Douchebag of the Month vs. Ryan Allen: March

And the beat goes on...

Fuckin Ben Roethlisberger- I'm gonna go ahead and annoint him the early favorite, but democracy will still be in order for this contest.  You may have read my open letter to Ben, but to repeat he is the quarterback of the Pittsburgh Steelers and a fat slob galore.  Accused of sexual assault in back to back years now, he has made an embarassment of himself and of Pittsburgh.  Supposedly he was flirting with a 20 year old college girl in a bar in Atlanta, then followed her into the bathroom hoping for a little hey nanny.  It would seem she said "no", and then things may have gotten a bit "pissy".  No matter if it turns out he was innocent or just being a drunken asshole, he is defining the word douchebag in sports.  Now the Steelers' management, coach, and even NFL commissioner Roger Goodell are "concerned" with Ben's douchery.  Ben, you fuck.

University of Oregon football team- College football teams are bound to have a few drug addicts, criminals, racists, etc, but lately this team has set a new standard.  QB Jeremiah Masoli and WR Garrett Embry were arrested and charged for stealing a video projector, laptop, and a guitar from a frathouse.  Matt Simms was charged for assaulting a guy that he thought had beat up his teammate, turns out he didn't.  Kiki Alonso was arrested for DUI, then kicked off the team.  This led to Jamere Holland goin Malcolm X on everybody on his Facebook "How the fuck you gonna kick Kiki off the team...on some weak shit...niggas always faded...that shit weak buff cuh could have done damage for the Ducks, that shit is weak, weak ass fuck, quote me".  Well they did quote you G, and then this subsequently got him kicked off the team "...I wish I could block whites as friends and only have blacks LOL, cause apparently I'm misunderstood".  No you're not misunderstood you're just a black douchebag.  Acting gangsta in Oregon?  Suck a cock and die Jamere... Oh and Mike Belotti, the athletic director of Oregon, said fuck this and quit his job.  Smart move.

Joslyn James- Alright bare with me.  She was one of Tiger's mistresses, and a pornstar, and has gigantor titties.  That's fine, hell that's terrific.  My issue is that her story was already out, Tiger's life was already ruined, and then to "clear her conscience" released the texts between her and Tiger.  She even went on one of those old yenta shows on CNN and they were like "so why are you doing this?".  Everyone knows you guys had an affair and freaky sex and shit went on, you don't have to release the specifics.  Guys text weird shit when hard as a tuba.  Here are some examples..."After i cum you better start sucking my cock to get it hard", "Slap your face. Treat you like a dirty little whore. Put my cock in your ass and then shove it down your throat", "Hold you down while i choke you and Fuck that ass that i own"... I just don't need to picture Tiger saying this weird shit.  Maybe its not so much a douchy move as a cunt move... Just sayin.  I don't expect anyone to vote for her, but I need to fill space.

Guy that knocked up Winnie Cooper- Any guy that watched The Wonder Years as a kid was into Winnie Cooper, or Danica McKellar as no one knew her as.  Always a mystery why she would have anything to do with that little spaz Kevin Arnold.  Fuck that kid man.  Anyway some douche knocked up her up.  I don't care if this polesmoker cures cancer, he can go fuck himself. 

Guy in white truck- For once a candidate from real life.  Leaving the movies this past weekend there was this son of a bitch driving behind James, Andy, and I, and was just way too fuckin close.  Tailgating and with the headlights blinding us in the side mirrors.  James rightly gave this a guy the ol' number 1, and douche in white truck took it badly.  He flashed his headlights, turned up the high beams and then drove up as close behind us as possible.  Nothing happenend, but seriously all dudes who drive big white trucks are fuckin douche hick assholes.  "From a nigga that says nigga a lot, that nigga says nigga all the time".  Arizona tho, full of white trucks and white pricks driving them.  I think these fucks like big lifted trucks cuz they are trying to make up for something.  Oh I'll take up 3 parking spots cuz my cock is 3 inches.  Fuck, I'm riled up.  12 years of dealing with these scumbags man.  Why didn't Nazi's target guys in white trucks?  Ok I'll stop now.

Ryan Allen- Ugh I'm getting lamer as this year goes on.  I did piss in the Albertson's parking lot twice.  It's a great feeling after a night of drinking and not wanting to wait 2 more minutes before getting home.  I've really become all about public peeing.  It's not that I want everyone in the world to see my cock, it's just a very free feeling.  I mean think about it, how many times have you pissed in a toilet?  A few hundred thousand times?  Sometimes you gotta mark some new territory.  I want my urine to have its own empire.  I mean hey, if astronauts can shoot out cumballs floatin in space, it's not too much to ask to be able to pee in various parking lots when hammered...Huh?