Shout Out

Kurt Warner announced his retirement today after 12 seasons in the NFL.  He somehow got the Rams and Cardinals to the Super Bowl.  That's a Hall-of-Famer kids. 

Now the Cards are left with Matt "Hits from the beer bong" Leinart. Cards record next year: 6-10. That is all.

Crack of the Day: 1/29

Mexican Layered Dip Pringles

Big in '01

Looking back on my life, I thought about how much different stuff was back in 2001.  Obviously, 2001 brings a certain event to mind for people, but I won't get into that.  The importance of '01 to me starts with it being my freshman year of high school.  Weird to think that was like 9 years ago already.  Man, back then I used gel and hair spray, wore K-Swiss shoes, had multi-colored braces, and lacked chest hair.  I had a crush on this girl named Kendall, who had been around the block twice, missing my house both times.  I remember she sat next to me on the bus once and I had to put my backpack on my lap (think about it).  I was an awkward kid, didn't talk a whole lot, not to say I'm completely different now, but I would totally kick '01 me's ass.

The class that I remember the most was Freshman P.E. aka gym class.  I was a decent athlete back then so no one fucked with me too much, but still of course there were assholes trying to get to me at times.  There was this dickcheese...burger named Jess, who would take shots at me from time to time, and I regret to this day not decking him.  Its important to establish early in high school that you're not someone to fucked with, like in prison. 

Everyday at lunch I would get the nasty pizza with soggy french fries and sit outside with my friend.  They had this red line that you couldn't cross until the bell rang and would have a teacher guarding it.  Kids would always sneak past for some reason.  That's retarded.  What are you gonna do, go to class early?   

Oh well good times and bad during freshman year, there are still a lot random things that come to mind about '01.

-I was really into Linkin Park that year.

-"Because I Got High" by Afroman was on the radio like everyday on the bus.

-The whole teen movie buzz was still in full effect with American Pie 2 and Not Another Teen Movie and such.  Those types of movies don't really exist anymore.  Maybe a good thing.

-Jennifer Lopez was still trying to sing.

-Alient Ant Farm was popular.  Where the hell did they go?  They had to be rollin in dough from those 2-3 songs they had.  Must have blown it on meth.

-Some people I knew got really into Lord of the Rings and I never saw them again. 

-I was in love with Jennifer Love Hewitt.  I totally would have pulled the "penis in the popcorn" trick on her.

-Did people really listen to ICP? How gay.  Rapping clowns?  That's about as straight as blowing guys.        

Crack of the Day: 1/28

Five Guys Cheeseburgers...Better than In-n-Out

The Cucumbers and Bleach Files

Zooey Deschanel- What up girl?

Great Quote in Man History

"If a girl looks like she can kick your ass, she is a guy"  James Z.

Waitresses

I'm not sure where I rank in the capabilities of flirtation, but something that completely throws me off are those damn flirtatious waitresses.  Its their job to make sure the customers have a good experience in hopes of getting good tips.  But how far does that line go, cuz there must be one.  I'm not going to compare them to strippers, but at the same time there is a similarity in the fact that you're not supposed to assume that they are showing attraction cuz they want to go home with you.  They are trying to make money.  But damn it they are still girls with human attraction, so there is the chance they are actually attracted to you...right?  I mean when a waitress acts in a different way toward me than toward my boys there could be something there.

Yet there is still such a hesitation from the job description.  If a random girl acted the same way as a waitress at any other locale there would be little if any doubt that she was into you.  Just once I would like to grow the cabinets to leave my number or ask for one just to know.  The worst thing to have in life is a fear of failure...well AIDS are bad too.  I wish I wasn't the type of dude to overly care about what people thought about me, but insecurities can really grab ahold of a guy.  Plus, I refuse to be the type of douche that hits on anyone and anything in a skirt.  They make guys like me look bad, and to become one would just be such a bittersweet victory if I gave into such douchery to score some chick looking for an extra 10%. 

Maybe if I consider it a social experiment I won't feel so bad.  Eventhough I want the confidence to do anything I want, I don't want to sacrifice the qualities that make me a decent human.  I clearly think about shit too much.  I mean I just had this entire conversation today, but no guy seems to have the answers.  "Just do it".  It ain't that fucking easy.  I have never seen anyone approach a waitress and just take the digits so don't act like its a damn cake walk.  I would respect myself for trying just once.  Fuck it.  It needs to be done.

Macho Madness!

Where are they now?

Aaliyah: Singer, actress, hottie

She was really starting to become famous doing such highly acclaimed movies as Romeo Must Die with the talented Jet Li, and Queen of the Damned with…umm… white people. She also had some hit songs and videos, which helped me through puberty. And then she just goes on some trip to some island and disappears off the face of the earth? There is something wrong about this…

Well let’s see, she was near the Bermuda Triangle thing so that had to come into play. And at 15 years old she married R. Kelly. Wait a tick, R. Kelly got busted for peeing on a 15 year old right? And that bitch was not movin out the way of that golden stream. Aaliyah, 15, pee, R. Kelly. I got it!

Aaliyah’s plane must have been engorged flying threw the Bermuda Triangle, which sent her into a constant time warp where she replays the same 30 seconds at a point in her life; the point at which R. Kelly was peeing on her, giving the thumbs up. Damn. She seemed like a good chick, a total hot black. It’s a damn shame she is spending her life face forward in R. Kelly’s urine fountain. I would have told her to hide in the closet from that pissaholic, but you know he’d be there.

Well Aaliyah, I’m sure you’re trying to give signs for help in that video, too bad its government evidence now. Wherever you are now, here’s to you.

Crack of the Day: 1/27

Southwestern Ranch Baked Lays- Delicious flavor and decent amount of spice

Wade Boggs: The Man, The Myth, The Moustache

There is a legend that exists that makes me truly believe in the existence of true heroes.  Wade Anthony Boggs was born in 1958, little beknownst to his parents they gave birth to a truly great American hero.  Wade Boggs grew up to become a fine major league baseball player through his years with such teams as the Yankees, Red Sox, and Devil Rays.  He constantly hit for a great average over the course of his career, and reached the milestone of 3,000 hits, but those great stats could not even approach his finest accomplishment.

Story goes, on one cross-country flight, Boggs drank 64 Miller Lite beverages... 64... Most parties don't even go through 60 beers.  In an interview on ESPN Boggs was asked of this number and much to the chagrin of envious beer drinkers across the country did not deny that astonishing statistic.  He did not go into detail on the matter because, well, he was a serious athlete or something.  Former teammates of Boggs including Paul Sorrento have agreed with such claims of Boggs' epic drinking ability. 

So Wade Boggs, for giving me hope in this life that one can reach such goals if they truly try hard enough, and drink enough... This Boggs Lite is for you!

For Good Measure

Cuz its Only Tuesday

Another hockey fight is in order.

Crack of the Day: 1/26

Jalapeno Cheese Bagels... Microwave for 30 seconds then dip in ranch... Damn

Quixotic

This blog venture seems long overdue, almost like a calling.  If only this could be a career of some sort... eh, for now I will just dream of Tahitian Treat and Machu Picchu.

Jersey Whore

I don't pretend to get the popularity of the Jersey Shore show with so many people.  I've met a guido-like character before and he was a complete joke.  I don't obviously believe that anyone envies these grease bags anywhere outside of that area, but still those tortellinis are everywhere now.  It just seems like guidos have evolved from more than just a sad joke to some nightmare of an acceptable lifestyle.  People start watching the show wanting to make fun of Guidos and then they start quoting, and making references, creating their own Guido names, etc.  Next thing you know you're a damn dirty, techno-dancing, greasy-haired, orange-skinned prototype of a Guido that talks like you have balls in your mouth.  This picture wraps it all up.  Thanks Josh.

For DA

Cuz sometimes you just need a good hockey fight in your life...

Crack of the Day

Digiorno Five Cheese Stuffed Crust Pizza... You won't even need ranch.

Nineties Kid Against New Millenium

It’s a matter of fact that I much prefer the 1990’s then this decade. The music, style, movies, TV shows, etc. No bros, metros, or economic woes. It was more of a time to bitch about one’s own battles vs. self and society. The forces of entertainment could express their disapproval with censorship and the struggles of society. But now there is nothing left to push the envelope on or to revolt against with individualism, except for maybe the lack of it. It’s all big issues these days so ideas must be a mass hit or “epic fail”. I’m pretty uppity on the subject of why the 90’s were better than this decade so this shall be my first episodic series of blogs. I shall begin with music…

Hip Hop Hooray!
Music has become less creative these days. Rap lacks issues, rock lacks a voice, and jazz lacks a younger audience to fuse its sounds within other genres. Rap used to contain lyrics dealing with problems of impoverished cities, ghetto neighborhoods, the racism of law enforcement, street crime and so forth. In the suburbs there was less hubbub of drive-by shootings, underage pregnancies, gang violence and police brutality so it sucked in an audience of all races and social status. It spawned censorship and parental advisory warnings due to the use of strong, suggestive language, also known as truth. Now it’s like everyone knows about what goes on in the hood, so who cares? So rap has become money, money, money. I drive this car, have this jewelry, smoke this weed, and fuck these hoes. They had the same subjects in the 90’s but were used in more story form to help people understand, rather than self promotion. I’m not saying rappers of the 90’s were that much more enlightened, but then again yes…yes I am. They at least knew where all those diamonds on 50 Cent’s chain came from.

Uhn Tiss Uhn Tiss Uhn Tiss
Beats now are created to be catchy, not to represent music as an art or to show respect for past decades of music. 90’s rap had a strong influence of 70’s funk and soul, rhythm, blues, jazz beats, and an overall collection what inspired rap and hip hop. The new era of rap has a more techno train of thought...Catch attention in the beginning, have an easy to remember chorus, and let listeners exit the song without requiring a single proficient thought of any meaning to the lyrics.

Get Your Wayne Out Of My Face
Why do you think Lil Wayne has so many songs constantly coming out? Well they are like bubble gum. You chew it, enjoy the flavor for 10 minutes, and once the flavor is gone you need a new piece to keep it going. People would forget about that tattooed turd in a second if he decided to take a break. It’s hard to create a true following when your lyrics mean diddly-poo to people.
Sorry Dad
My beloved Rock, don’t think you have escaped my rant. Rock has been losing voice especially over the last 5 years. It’s hard to pinpoint since there are so many styles of Rock (Punk, Alternative, Metal, etc.), but I’ll try anyway. Rock is supposed to be about anger, anti-authority, you know some serious “I hate my dad” attitude. But suddenly punks aren’t punk, metalheads like Jesus, and alternative folks are actually enjoying life. What the fuck? Where’s the emotion?

Me Gusta Punk Rock
I mean its all in the title of punk songs.
90’s: Pennywise- Fuck Authority, NOFX- Murder the Government, No Doubt- Yeah I’m a Girl, But Suck My Dick.

2000’s: Fallout Boy- We’re Cool Cuz 13 Year Old Girls Like Us, Plain White T’s- I Miss My Girlfriend, Panic! At the Disco- Let’s Drink a Red Bull and Then Go to the Dance

Ain’t No Party Like a Heath Ledger Party
Why isn’t it okay to be pissed off at life or depressed anymore? I’ve always been hard on Kurt Cobain since people popularized him after his suicide. Turns out he was on to something. I feel like most 90’s alternative bands were. Like they knew things would suck and art would be ruined these days. Maybe that’s why Layne Staley (Alice in Chains), Bradley Nowell (Sublime), and Shannon Hoon (Blind Melon) all died of overdoses. Why Maynard (Tool) and Trent Reznor (NIN) were so pissed off. And why Rage Against the Machine was always fucking Raging.

Crank Up That Marcy Playground
Hinder, Buckcherry, and Theory of a Deadman all sound the same and just seem to have relationship problems. Boo fucking Hoo. Granted I did enjoy some of the sappy alternative bands of the late 90’s (Third Eye Blind, Goo Goo Dolls, Eve 6), but they still had a much better alternative feel to them. Like you just wanted to go to Seattle, drink some whiskey, walk home in the rain while one of those songs is playing, all while thinking about the girl that just broke up with you…Or something like that.

The Bizkit Went Limp
And then there are the rock bands that had to go and unnecessarily change. Radiohead is suddenly upbeat. Papa Roach went to rehab and became Avenged Sevenfold (more on these dickheads later). And Korn, they just aren’t the same anymore. If the next Tool CD sucks, I give up.

As Much Metal As My 8th Grade Braces
Just some random tidbits:
-Underoath: Please report to Ozzy for a lesson on where Metal stands on the whole religion issue.
-Avenged Sevenfold- You are not fucking vampires.
-Lamb of God- What did you say?
-Avenged Sevenfold- Please stop making sounds slightly resembling music

Douchebag of the Month vs. Ryan Allen: January

In depth look at the biggest douchebags of the month and Ryan Allen. A very unoriginal idea.

Jay Leno- When you make a big deal out of leaving your vaunted job and title as host of the Tonight Show, you should probably make sure that’s what you really want. Jay Leno has been a doucher for sometime, but I mean come on! Yes, I’ve always been more of a fan of Conan, but still it’s a real scumbag move to leave your career because you’re ready to move on with your life and then immediately panic and use your existing strings in a company to get a similar job. Conan had to follow that asschin dickmaster for 12 years or so and then finally got the break of his life when he was named to be the new Tonight Show host. Then Jay Leno cockblocks Conan’s victory parade by getting the Jay Leno Show, which is on right before Conan, again. Then ratings aren’t so good for asscheese Jay so he pulls his strings again to get a better time slot. Obvious result, Conan gets mad, resembles Hawaiian Punch character, and says “fuck you, NBC”. Jay Leno gets to resume as host of Tonight Show, therefore… Jay Leno, you are a douchebag.

Earthquake in Haiti- Haiti has enough problems without 7.0 earthquakes ruining shit, you dick. Earthquake in Haiti, you are a douchebag.

Mark McGwire- Look man, everyone knew that you used steroids, you never needed to lie or avoid questions about it. But you were actually a likeable player so no one cared until you made an ass of yourself. It’s kind of a douchy move to start admitting now about your steroid use since you have a new job as a hitting coach for the Cardinals and want your spot in the Hall of Fame. If you had admitted before you would have gotten more sympathy because at least you would have come across as somewhat of an honest fellow. But no, you deny and avoid questions about steroids like they were your dear old Aunt Kay, smelling of oatmeal and death. Also claimed steroids didn’t help him hit more home runs. I just seriously doubt that. The man is really starting to resemble that Droopy dog character from cartoons. Mark McGwire, stop being a douchebag because you don’t seem to be that big of one.



LeBron James- You are one of the biggest reasons that basketball sucks now. You’re not bigger than the sport so you could really stop acting that way. Name another sport where you can dance around all game and not get knocked the fuck out? Plus last year he says “oh, next year I’ll be in the dunk contest”. Well its 2010 and guess who isn’t in the dunk contest? If this guy is the top player in the sport, then I can do without it. I just hope one day one of these fucks get some dignity and punch him in the face when he starts dancing.(Please) LeBron James, you are a douchebag…wiki wiki douchebag.





Lane Kiffin- This guy becomes head coach for the University of Tennessee football team in 2009 and then a year later, just up and leaves to take job as coach of USC football. That’s just not a cool thing to do in college because you have to recruit kids to come to the school and… to spare the details, leaving fucks over kids at the school and madness ensues…


Couldn’t say it better myself…Lane Kiffin, douchebag.



Ryan Allen- When on a date at a bowling alley, is it a douchebag move to be more interested in loading up on Jack and Coke's then your date? Kinda, but c'mon it was a bad date, the girl spoke as much as Helen Keller. Just not as much personality. Ok, that was a douche statement. Yet, can't say it was too big of a douche bag month for myself. Ryan Allen, kind of a douchebag.



Winner- Jay Leno. Although the Haiti thing is quite awful, its hard to call acts of nature a douche bag. So Jay Leno, you are the first recipient of the Douchebag of the Month, I hope you can top this perfomance in February.