Douchebag of the Month vs. Ryan Allen: June

This is a blog not the fuckin People's Choice Awards.  These are the people that pissed me off this month.

Tito Ortiz- Over the years Tito has shown time and time again he is a quite the sack of douche.  Sure he is an accomplished MMA fighter and actually seems to be a decent coach for up and coming fighters, he just can't escape his god given ability to be a royal dong.  Well I guess what should you expect from a 35 year old dude that bleaches his hair just as often as his wife bleaches her bat cave?  He went on the Ultimate Fighter as a coach, knowing well he had an injury, yet said he was willing to fight Chuck Liddell.  Well all of a sudden he gets closer to the fight and has to pull out due to his neck injury.  Then he has the nerve to call a fighter on his team a "pussy" for quitting during his fight.  C'mon Tito, you're the clear cut pussy here.  And in the meantime got arrested for allegedly assaulting his wife, Jenna Jameson.  Tito, you are a douchebag, and everyone reading this blog has seen your wife take more shots to the face than you have in any of your fights.

Shannon Price, aka Gary Coleman's widow- I'm not here to poke fun at Gary Coleman, yeah he was vertically challenged, and on tv, and out of his fucking mind, but still it sucked that he died.  His wife couldn't have been anymore of an asshole throughout the whole deal though.  Let's start with the 911 call.  She hears Gary hit his head and sees that he is bleeding and runs to the phone.  While talking to the 911 operator, she is unwilling to check on Gary because she gets panic attacks and seizures and might "seize".  I'm pretty sure that is not the correct verbage for having a seizure, but I digress.  Her husband is bleeding and dying and the most she was willing to do was hand him a towel and open the door for the parametics.  After Gary dies, she starts hitting up the tabloids, willing to sell them pictures of a dead Gary Coleman.  Are fucking kidding me?  Maybe if I show up with a bloody nose at her house she will "seize". (Not actual threat)

Koman Coulibaly, World Cup referee- The referee of the U.S.-Slovenia game, who disallowed a U.S. goal, which would have ultimately won the game.  It was a clear goal, which everything seemed to be perfectly set up for.  No fouls, no offsides, no nothing.  Yet Mr. Coulibaly, does not allow the goal, and then refuses to tell the players of what the call is.  Hey asshole, America has had plenty of problems winning in soccer without your dumb Malian ass making up bullshit calls so gay countries like Slovenia can benefit.  Luckily, this douche will not be reffing in Round 2.  Koman can go spend that time finding a way to insert his own head up his ass.  Good luck!

Justin Bieber- I honestly never heard of this kid before my friend Josh brought up his hatred for him not too long ago.  Seems to me like he's the dude version of Hannah Montana.  Except she has much more of a manly voice.  But this kid is all over the damn place now: on fuckin lunchboxes, trapper keepers, bumper stickers, and so on.  And I'm getting sick of all these barely teen fuckin kids with that same god damn haircut.  Every kid has that fuckin long hair, emo, skater, faggy look.  It's like all the diverse groups that existed when I was a kid melted together to form one ultimate douche look.  I see this kid as the ring leader and he is in for a rude awakening when his balls drop, gets acne, and tries coke for the first time.  Career over nigga.  Drug addiction and prison will be just around the corner.  Ask New Kids on the Block.  I heard two of them got arrested and in prison they were renamed New Fish on the Cock.  And supposedly this kid did a photoshoot where he kissed Kim Kardashian.  Already getting used to that taste of black dong on your lips eh kid? 

Ryan Allen- I thinking I'm slowly starting to build up a more noticeable doucheness to my mindset of talking to girls.  For instance, earlier this week I went to the bank.  The bank teller was a decently cute girl of maybe 20 years, when I decided to pull a new line on her.  "I'm just depositing money, because I'm getting ready to go to India in a couple weeks".  Girl becomes obviously intrigued because who the fuck goes to India?  I tell her I'm kind of a spiritual person.  Plus girls like guys that travel.  And I figure its not something too obvious like backpacking through Europe or the high school thing like Mexico or Canada.  India meant to her that I probably a) am very cultured, b) smoke a lot of pot, and c) have decent money to afford such a trip.  So for now I'll be saying that I'm going to India any week now. 

As usual I'll leave Dbag of the Month up to voting, please avoid a tie this time.
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Douche activity of the month- Icing.  To review, at a party, one douche will go up to someone and say they have been "iced" and must get on one knee and chug a Smirnoff Ice.  If they refuse the douche will call them a fag or something.  In my humble opinion the only reason to ever buy Smirnoff Ice is when in hopes of buttering up a cute naive 19 year old chick.  Just don't do it people.

Douche band of the month- Buckcherry.  Not that they did anything relevant this month, or even this year.  But I hate them oh so much.  And I thought about that fact a couple times this month.

Douche from the 90's- J.T. Lambert from Step-by-Step.  The kid was a douche.  Did not deserve to have hot sisters (not Dana) or hang with the Codeman.

Winner: Justin Bieber. Homo, douche, fag.  Go fuck yourself.

5 Reasons to Hate Algeria

The U.S. is playing Algeria in a crucial soccer match with a trip to the next round of the World Cup on the line.  That should be a big enough deal for you people to somewhat care...or at least because there really isn't anything else going on of importance on Wednesday.  But always willing to add fuel to the fire, I give you 5 reasons Algeria can suck my fat one.

1. French is the most widely studied foreign language in the country- Look Algeria, if you're trying to get on America's good side you can't just go around admiring the French.  The French are quitters and don't enjoy ketchup or ranch dressing.  And apparently France invaded Algeria in the 1800's.  That's like getting beat up by your sister.  Embarrassing.

2. Olive oil.  I'm no expert on olive oil, but I have heard of Bertolli's Olive Oil.  That shit is supposed to be Italian.  Well in reality a lot of that "Italy's finest" olive oil is coming from Algeria.  The fuck?  Next thing you know people will be driving Ferrari's made in Colombia, snorting cocaine imported from Iceland, and buying hookers off the internet from Ohio.  God damn outsourcing. 

3. The name Algeria.  Sounds like something you'd get if you fell out of a boat in the Amazon and got your balls bitten by a rare half fish, half seaweed hybrid.  Side effects include nausea, teeth grinding, racial outbursts directed toward Nicaraguans and their "tuna sandwich" appearance.  I think Africa just named their nations from the diseases that were discovered there.  Fuck this Ghana is making my testicles itch.

4. The flag kinda reminds me of the Soviet flag.  What do you have to hide Algeria?  I know the Soviets used to spend a lot of time chilling in Northern Africa.  I'm on to you commi bastards.  Russia is also building two 636-type diesel submarines for Algeria.  Why does Africa need submarines?  Did lions and gazelles and shit create their own navy which could be deemed as a threat?  Fuck that.

5. Nearly 100% of Algerians are Muslims.  Not saying I think all Muslims are terrorists or racist assholes.  But that kind of non-diversity just doesn't look great for a country.  It's like going to a zoo that only has giraffes.  Okay giraffes are cool, but wouldn't mind seeing a damn rhino you know?

Anyway enjoy the game, and to Algeria...right here buddy

The World Must Love Soccer For Some Reason

Every four years, 32 teams from 32 different countries get together to compete in the biggest futbol tournament in the world.  This year's takes place in South Africa.  I suppose its time to catch that World Cup fever, but try as I might there are already quite a few things bothering me about it.  On the other hand, its this or baseball...And Celtics-Lakers...Fine soccer it is.  10 things that have caught my eye so far...

1. Since when do so many people care about soccer?

I remember 8 years ago I got really into the world cup.  I think I was a sophomore in high school and I had nothing better to do at 2 a.m. than to watch soccer and put on a Scottish accent.  Why was I putting on a Scottish accent?  Well I don't know, but it was adding something to my mindset and experience, which in turn actually boosted my interest.  It's like if you are driving a tractor, you're gonna wanna blast some country music.  I don't like country, but hell if I'm driving a John Deere 4 speed, you bet your ass I'm humming some Clay Walker.  Still, it amazes me how many people all of a sudden are chatting up the World Cup like they know shit about the sport.  I mean there is plenty of soccer played in the time between cups, yet no one talks about it then.  Then again, who gives a fuck about track and field when its not an Olympic year?  Oh well, all of sudden chicks are dressing up in little soccer gear and I'm not gonna argue with that.

2. Finally bring back that good ol' US-England rivalry

Man, you would think George Washington was out there playing against General Cornwallace a few days ago.  Definitely cool that the US was put in the same group as England and they played for the first time since like 1950.  The US managed to make it a tied game when England goalkeeper Robert Green let the ball slip past his hands and into the goal.  The game ended in a 1-1 tie, and one can only hope that a second match is in store.  US-England has that good buddy-buddy relationship, eventhough we should hate each other.  I mean we had that initial American Revolution thing, and then we stole The Beatles, and got John Lennon killed.  We saved their ass in World War I and II, then they accompanied us to Iraq.  It's like when Rocky and Apollo Creed became friends, until Dolph Lundgren killed Apollo. F'in Russia.

3. So many damned ties
As I mentioned the US-England game ended in a tie, although it would have been nice to see an OT.  I think its only the opening round that doesn't have OT, but its some bullshit man.  Seems like its been mostly ties so far and its getting gay.  That and like 1-0 games.  I stand by the field is too damn big, which isn't helping anyone get goals.

4. Fuckin bees

I understand the all the African countries love blowing on those vuvuzelas, but its pretty fuckin annoying.  If you're wondering vuvuzelas are those flute things creating all that noise that sounds like a swarm of bees.  It hasn't made it unwatchable, but its just fuckin stupid.  I like when the European countries have their loud chants in the crowd.  That's fun to listen to.  Not fuckin bee sounds.  I hate bees, everyone hates bees.  You hear that shit and you just wanna hide.  So now I guess they are filtering out some of that sound from the crowd, which just makes it sound like the crowd is quiet as fuck.  I like hearing a lot of crowd sound when I watch sports.  Makes you think people actually care about the sport, or at the least are drunk as hell. 

5. Oh great, North Korea showed up

I understand that its a sporting event and there shouldn't be any political ties, but damn dude its fuckin North Korea.  First of all, if they win Kim Jong Il is gonna be all asshole-like and shit on everyone's faces.  Imagine if we play them.  The loser is gonna get pissed off and nuke the other.  Over fuckin soccer.  Oh joy.  UPDATE: It turns out North Korea hired Chinese people to stand in the crowd and wear North Korea gear.  Nice.

6. Good thing Magic Johnson isn't there

I noticed that a player for England got a bloody lip, so they made him leave the field.  I'm not trying to say that everyone gets AIDS in Africa if they have open cuts, but perhaps I'm hinting at it.  Might even be fair to say the World Cup officials are hinting at it.  I mean if you're that much of a pussy that you can't let a guy play cuz of a bloody lip, then perhaps you'll get the AIDS from all the gay butt sex you're having... I need an off switch sometimes.

7. Doesn't Brazil win every other time anyway?

If I recall correctly, Italy won in 2006.  And I think Brazil won in 2002.  Based off no facts at all, it seems to me like Brazil wins every other tournament, so what's to make me think they won't win this year?  Its also weird to me how Brazil is starting a slow takeover in sports.  I mean everyone knows they are awesome at futbol, but they have also started dominating in MMA.  They are getting decent at basketball too.  I'll be concerned when there is a Ronaldo in the NHL.

8. Who the fuck do I root for?

Obviously I am rooting for the US for now, but history says they aren't gonna win the tournament.  We are making strides toward being an elite team in soccer, but I don't think we are there yet.  So let's say the U.S. gets eliminated in the second or third round, who should I cheer for?  I think a lot of people have a tendency to root for their ethnic backgrounds at that point.  In that case I'd cheer for Germany and England.  Two very good teams.  Or do you cheer for an underdog team?  Perhaps a home country team?  Well I can barely distinguish between the African teams.  Cameroon, Ghana, Ivory Coast.  Same shit.  And South Africa, well... fuck em. 

9. Oh you're fine, stop holding your knee

For years other countries have been taking advantage of the fact that Americans generally don't flop.  Seriously, I'd like to go 5 minutes without seeing a soccer player get barely nudged and then rolls around on the ground holding their knee.  God dude, the soccer world is full of actors apparently.  I'm not so sure Bob Deniro could sell a knee injury so hard.  You don't see that in any American sport...except basketball, but I'm not defending those damn vag stains.

10. My random pick: Portugal

Well Portugal is almost like Brazil.  They both speak Portuguese.  They have a Ronaldo.  Sounds like a winning combination to me.

Adventures in Trainrobbing: $1,000 fines and you

If there's a fair argument out there against weed, you don't exactly have the most sound mind to make decisions.  I mean I'd go to Taco Bell and not know what I wanted to order so I'd panic when I was forced to make a decision.  2 1/2 lb burritos and 4 tacos later, I'd be like damn, that was more than I needed.  Especially when you're broke and trying to limit how much money you're spending, being high can be detrimental to the wallet.  I at times got my bank accounts in the negatives, but eh, shit happens in college.  Sometimes very stupid shit happens in college.

My roommate and I had polar opposite sides of our dorm room.  On his side he had all his music gadgets, crazy posters and artwork, and on my side I had a George Foreman grill and Steelers paraphenilia.  For awhile though we were getting all in to our room looking like a basement.  We had a black light and weird drawings on the wall.  A couple girls were idiots and thought it would be artsy to right everyone's names on the wall.  That got gay quickly, not to mention down the road we had to get rid of that shit if we planned on getting a refund of our initial security deposit.  Not the point though.  Point is we even nicknamed our room "The Basement".  Mark and I both had tv's, which we constantly sychronized.  People would always come and watch shit in our room.  It was definitely the hang out room.  Especially if those people also came to smoke...Scavengers.

Anyway in the process of creating this basement-like room, my roommate started to mentioning the effect of having like a tank or aquarium in the middle of the room.  Initially, I was skeptical because I knew it would look cool, but getting pets of any kind would cost money, which I'd rather spend Red Stripe and Wendy's Baconators.  But then my roommate would smoke me out and say lets go check out the pet store.  And then we'd venture out to the bus stop.  Note: before Tempe I'd never rode on a public bus, and it was not exactly the most becoming experience when being high.  Bus stops in Tempe are great places to meet heroin heros with a single bandage around their arm, and very colorful homeless people.  Perhaps I will tell a tale of my homeless encounters in Tempe in a later episode.

But back to the pet store.  We decided to look at snakes, lizards, and fish.  Snakes and lizards were expensive as fuck, which I would constantly remind Mark.  We asked the people working there what kind of stuff we would have to buy to take care of a snake.  It was a pretty big list, which helped my cause of trying not to make this purchase happen.  I mean the tank, a feeding box, heating lamp and bulb, mice, and the snake.  And everytime we went shopping for anything (food, movies, snakes) we'd be in the store for over an hour.  Luckily though, we were there around closing time so we had to make a quick decision.  We decided to wait and check out Craigslist.  Well damn Craigslist and its effectiveness.  Only a couple days later Mark managed to find a really good deal on a snake, tank, etc. combo.  It sounded pretty reasonable, so we split the cost.

It was a yellow cornsnake, which came with the name Nova.  We thought that name was kinda for the gays, so we'd rename it later.  I was in class the day the snake was delivered by what Mark described to me as "a woman with three teeth, who had over 50 snakes, always had the heat on at her house to accompany the snakes, and smelled like someone shat in a coffin and opened it 20 years later".  Graphic I know.  I was actually a little psyched at this point and even told a few people in my class.  When I got home and checked out the snake it was actually kinda cool.  So then we had to come up the right name.

Somewhere along the way we started listening a lot to the 60's and 70's pop star Donovan.  You may know him from such songs as "Hurdy Gurdy Man" and "Mellow Yellow".  I guess we were just like "he's high, we're high, this works".  Then it got real trippy to us when we realized within the name Donovan is "Nova".  Little things like that when you're high just blow your mind, and you know it's fate.  We quickly realized though that not everyone liked the snake as much.  A lot of the European kids liked it, but most girls wouldn't even hold it.  ASU girls afraid of a snake with no teeth?  Imagine that.  These damn yentas would be our downfall.

It really didn't take long before we started realizing we were incapable of taking care of a pet.  We barely had the motivation or money to go get mice for the snake, and it really just became more of something that took up space in our room.  It made our room smell pretty bad and people would stop coming to hangout.  Then one day we got especially careless and accidentally left the top of the tank open.  When we got back to the room we noticed the friggin thing had peaced.  It had gotten out before, but we had always been able to find it right away.  Well this time it had fuckin vanished into thin air.  We looked all over the room and that bastard was nowhere to be found.  We tried to only tell a few people so that everyone wouldn't know how stupid we were.  But of course word got around anyway.

We had a couple high theories about the snake getting into the vents or trash and somehow just peacin from our room.  Unlikely, but everything must have an explanation.  Maybe some PETA homo broke into our room and snatched it.  Then one morning our dorm room had an unexpected to visitor.  Again I was in class, but meanwhile one of the head groundskeepers at the dorm went to our room.  From what I heard he unlocked the door and when Mark got up he asked him "where is the snake?".  Mark denied having any snake, but the guy looked past him and saw the tank.  Mark told me he tried to use the excuse "I was just holding it for a friend for the day".  The guy believed that as much as white people believe a certain...well for legal purposes I'll call them Nojay Nimpson...didn't kill his wife.  So the guy tells Mark that he is gonna be fined for keeping a snake in the room.  The price tag on this fine...$1,000.  Fuck our lives.  (Note: pic is of actual $1,000 fine with actual butcher knife above it).

Initially, the fine was only on Mark's name, but I wasn't gonna be dick about it.  We agreed to split the fine, which immediately depressed us to no end.  It was a financial burden neither of us could afford on our own.  But past of the stress of us being completely broke, was also a mystery of a missing snake, and a rat who had sold us out to the groundskeepers.  A couple days past and then low and behold we found the fuckin thing. Donovan somehow managed to completely entangle itself around Mark's computer chords and had just been chillin there. We were fuckin pissed and realized it was time to get rid of the thing.  We ended up going back on Craigslist and found some weird kid to buy it.  Mark was convinced that the kid would end up eating Donovan.  We sold it for like half the price of what we bought it at, but at least it was gone.  Now just to find out who had cost us this outrageous fine.

We had a few immediate candidates.  The two girls in the room next to us were both deathly afraid of the snake, and were both complete bitches.  One annoying blonde with a sharp nose, skinny saggy boobs, acted like her vag didn't stink, and was accused of peeing on her suitemate's clothes.  Bitch #2, heavy set and big-nosed, acted like she was too good for living in the crappy dorm and would freak out on people.  There were a couple other people we thought could have had a hand in it, but we figured it was between the two yentas.  There was also a girl at the end of the hall who had a retarded ferret that always was running around all over the fuckin place.  That bitch's room smelled God awful, yet she never got busted. 

One of the RA's for my dorm was actually in one of my classes so I decided to have a conversation with her.  I asked about if someone were to get busted with an animal if there was a way out of it.  She said no even if some just had a cat or dog in a room for a few minutes because if anyone has allergies or some shit.  So I said what about a snake?  Once I said that she was like "that was you?".  Apparently it was a big deal around the dorm that someone had past along a rumor that there was a snake on the loose at the dorm.  She pretty much told us we were fucked and there was nothing we could do.  She did tell me one thing, "you guys gotta understand that not everyone there liked the snake".  Basically insuating there was one person that had brought it to their attention.  Unfortunately, we never found the person, but if I found him or her I'd give them a piece of my mind and/or penis.

Let me tell you somethin...

Not sure why wrestlers...excuse me, wrasslers...always said "Let me tell you somethin" in their promos, but it got their point across.  Anyway, its lookin like Jake "The Snake" Roberts is gonna win the mullet competition.  I had forgotten how much of a creepy bastard he is.  Well here ya go...

Mullet Mania

Back in the late 80's and early 90's, it was hard not to be a fan of the WWF.  It was wrassling at its finest, with larger than life characters (the majority hopped up on cocaine and steroids), unbeknownst racial undertones (Ted Dibiase had a black servant/slave Virgil), and all kinds of piledrivers and shit.  That shit was epic to a kid.  Looking back now, you notice how many of these dudes had outrageous mullets.  So the question I'll pose...Who had the best mullet in wrrassslingg?

Jake "The Snake" Roberts- This friggin guy had one scrubby hair do.  What do you expect from a guy that brings a python to the ring, and would dump it on his opponents after giving them a DDT.  Shit, not sure what DDT even stands for.

"Ravishing" Rick Rude- the man was in a word "rude".  When in Pittsburgh, he would always call the crowd a bunch of Pittsburgh piss ants.  Dude had a helluva mullet tho.  Later in his career made a bitch move and cut his hair short.  Ha! Who's rude now?  Hmm turns out he's dead.  Whoops.

British Bulldog Dog- He was ultimately done in by drugs and steroids like a shitload of other wrasslers, but you still can't deny what he brought to the table...a braided mullet.  That motherfucker had braids long before that bitch Moesha was ever around.  Sidenote: Moesha not done in by drugs yet.

Mr. Perfect- There is no other way to describe this mullet, but as the "perfect mullet".

  The Undertaker- So I guess there has been a couple different dudes to portray The Undertaker, but I'm talking about the original.  If you went to a haircut place and asked for a mullet, I think they would give you one of these.  It's quite the technically sound mullet.  I wonder if like in Kentucky or one of those red states you can go to the local barber and ask for an "Undertaker" or say I'm going for a Jake the Snake look, and they'll hook you up.

So those are your choices... choose wisely cuz most of these guys are dead and will be remembered for wearing tights, mullets, and severe drug problems.  You don't want that on your conscience.

The Cucumbers and Bleach Files

You may recall the television show "Step-By-Step".  You know Patrick Duffy, Suzanne Somers, Cody (who lived in the van in the backyard, always high as fuck, Karen the hot brunette, Dana the annoying blonde, and those other 2 irrelevant kids. But then there was Al (Christine Lakin), the tomboy daughter, who started to get more and more hot as the show went on.  Apparently she is still alive these days and...well...holy fuck.

I Can't Believe I Used To Beat It To...

Gotta be honest, eventhough Aaliyah died after making this video, it wasn't any less jackworthy.  If anything I was beating it in honor of her memory.  Maybe that's messed up, but c'mon, "rock the boat, work the middle, change position"... She got every guy on the planet all worked up and then...eternal blue balls.  Guess that's better than being remembered for marrying R. Kelly when she was 15...eh.

Who Ya Got?

Alright rap battle: Eli vs 50 Tyson

Vote..........



Winner: By a landslide vote (3-1) Eli is the champion.  Once that album drops though 50 Tyson will takeover.

Eli

Discovered this gem in college.  Still funniest shit ever.

I Can't Believe I Used To Beat It To...

I Can't Believe I Used To Beat It To...

I Can't Believe I Used To Beat It To...

Because the most accessible beating material during puberty was music videos, I bring you the new segment I Can't Believe I Used To Beat It To...



Notes:
-Obvious girl group dynamic: three hot dancers pretending to sing, one chubby singer pretending to dance.
-Notice how the singer is the only one hiding her stomach.
-In multiple dance scenes, the singer is hiding behind the other dancers.
-I'm not picking on the singer, she is hot in her own right, but does have noticeable bear claw.
-Short-haired blonde must represent the "bad girl", or head butts oysters.

In conclusion...well chicks were hot, song was catchy, stole that sideways shit from Jamiroqui.

Without a Weight

I've been living in Arizona for over 12 years now, and not once had I ever had any intention of going to Buckeye, AZ.  The middle of fuckin nowhere..  But I have friend at work that lives there so I was being a good friend and hanging out there for a bit.  It made for an adventurous night...

So driving to my friend's house, I become overwhelmed by the lack of business establisments for miles, seemingly.  I was so relieved when I saw a small plaza of businesses that I stopped there for a couple minutes to collect myself.  Damn cowboy hats in every car I see driving...except a Mexican in scrubs driving a Geo.  Fucking Buckeye, man.  So I'm looking for the road Windmill Village Dr.  Dirt roads and horse stables to the left of me, septic tanks and power lines to the right.  How will I spot this Windmill Village Dr. with the sun glarin in my eyes, miniscule street signs, and a cloud of dust all around?  Well its so hick they actually have a giant windmill on the street. 

So when I pick up my friend, it all of a sudden becomes a damn mission to find a place to eat.  The one plaza in the whole damn town only seemed to have fast food; Wendy's, McDonald's, El Pollo Loco.  Finally, there was one sit-down type restaurant...Fuckin Cracker Barrel.  Might as well call the plaza Honkeys R Us.  The only restaurant that would fit better is Old Country Harvest Buffet.  But go in and I'm already thrown off by how the front part is an actual store.  But its like one of those thrift stores where you buy used Christmas sweaters and Andy Gibb records. 

Anyway the hostess is pretty hot, and she started talking to us, when all of sudden she starts stumbling her words and says "sorry I got thrown off looking at your shirt".  I'm wearing my Wonder Years shirt, which always seems to get attention.  Minutes later we end up with a hot waitress.  She is acting all professional, until she comes back with my raspberry iced tea.  She points out that she had gotten some red on her shirt when making my drink.  I purposely slammed about 3 raspberry iced teas just so I could flirt with her everytime she got me a drink.  I devised a plan to leave my business card with my cell number on the back when I payed for the tip.  But it turns out at Country Harvest Barrel Buffet you pay at the cashier, and the waitress vanished. 

After paying, my friend and I hung out by my car for a bit, then as we were about to leave we saw the waitress heading out to her car.  I was like "fuck, if I leave this car and talk to her, she will think we are trying to date rape her".  So anti-climatically she drove off.  However, I know she works there and has an Indiana license plate, perhaps I can send her letters written in my blood yet....Future plans of stalking aside, things only get worse.  Driving my friend back home was tough cuz he didn't know the area well and we ended up driving around in circles in the wrong neighborhood.  But I eventually get my shit together and manage to navigate through that clusterfuck of a maze.

I end up getting semi-lost again leaving the neighborhood passing by 13 year old kids looking at me like I was a cop.  When I start going in the right direction all of a sudden I get to where I think I'm supposed to turn right...well I end up driving for 10 minutes in that direction, unable to find the I-10.  It's bad too, the further I drive, the more pitchback the roads are and the more it smells like shit.  How come people only get lost in scary places?  Like I've never gotten lost in the hidden boob palace or at a BBQ pretzel factory.  No, I get lost in a town where everyone has a shotgun, shoots trespassers, and somehow don't mind the smell of animal shit in the morning.  At first it just smelled like cows, but then I reached the depths of septic plants and pulled a dirt road u-turn.

I finally manage to escape the farms and head back to civilization... I don't know maybe that's not the most interesting story.  Maybe it is.. All's I'm sayin is would it kill you to put up some damn street lights, Buckeye.  It ain't fuckin 1963.   I'm not John F. Kennedy, you aren't Lee Harvey Oswalt, and this isn't Dallas... Too soon?

Adventures in Trainrobbing: All this for a movie I don't remember

About 90% of my time spent in Tempe was just going along with the ride.  For the most part, I was hanging out with people that I had only recently met and I became open to new experiences.  My roommate was a musician so he really broadened my knowledge of music and art.  I remember the first day he got to the dorm he put some of his clothes and the room and I thought he was gonna be the weirdest fuckin kid on the planet.  He had a couple Beatles shirts and some strange trippy poster.  My suitemates and I thought he was just gonna be some nerdy dude that wouldn't like to drink or party or anything.  Then one day Mark and I went on a walk and talked about our lives and damn I had this guy read the wrong way.  He told me of how he had tried almost every drug out there and other crazy happenings.  I went from feeling high mighty from drinking stories and trying weed a few times, to looking like a Mormon next to him. 

It was the best class I ever had in college just smokin weed in the dorm room with Mark.  He taught me about bands like The Beatles and Pink Floyd and all the drugs those guys used to do.  He introduced me to some crazy mindfuck movies and overall just a new appreciation to the good drug-induced states have done for art and culture.  A big movie that came out in celebration of such things was The Beatles-inspired Across the Universe.  For people that smoke a lot of weed, Across the Universe was a major event that required getting burnt beyond belief to experience a full scale trip of a visual masterpiece.  The problem is getting that high tends to have unforseen consequences...

I'd just like to mention right away that the following transcription of events consists of random and blurred memories scrunched together as I can not even start to give an accurate description of each night.  So myself, Mark, and our black dealer/neighbor combined product before we were set to go travel to the theatre to catch the flick.  It was playing at theatre we hadn't been to before, but according to MapQuest it was in walking distance.  And then we got towed up.  I believe we had multiple hits on the bong and then smoked 2 blunts with a couple other dudes around the dorm.  Note: black dudes are experts at rolling fat blunts.  I always watched that dude roll those in awe.  Anyway, we were high as fuck and on our way.  We walked across campus and it seemed to take about 40 minutes.  Then we checked the time and it had actually taken about 20 minutes.  We weren't sure where the place was and probably got sidetracked a few times.  But we found the theatre and noticed it was awfully empty.  Turns out the theatre was closed and we had fucked up checking for the right theatre.

Funny part walking back we noticed a group of kids walking home from a party.  They seemed like young high schoolers and they were all dressed up in medical gear, including a couple slutty nurses.  These girls are fucked up and probably like 16 at the oldest.  They start talking to us and Mark tells the girls that we are assistants for our black friend 50 Cent.  This dude looks nothing like 50 Cent, but he has like a chain and white sneakers on so why wouldn't the hussies believe us?  I mean Mark once told a girl his name was Samuel L. Jackson and the girl didn't catch on.  Anyway we walked with those girls for like 10 minutes telling them about all the rap parties we go to.  I remember all the street lights were putting me into a daze and they were kinda blurred like how the visuals are in drug movies.  Kinda felt like an out of body experience of some sort.  But still the night was failure #1.

I believe it was the next night where we decided to try again.  This time our black dealer/tag along friend brought this cute kinda goth-like girl to our room.  She had one of those nose rings that goes through the middle of the nose and hangs out both nostrils like a silver booger.  Nonetheless she was very attractive.  And I had this certain look goin that night that I pulled once in awhile for no particular reason.  This girl that lived at the dorm had this tan 50's style hat that I would borrow and I'd wear like a blue dress shirt.  The somewhat goth chick was diggin it.  My roommate bought a bit of coke from some weird bald kid, crushed up it did lines off this one girl's mirror, which I have been told is the only way to snort any white powder.  I didn't try it, but the girl took a hit herself and then we were on the way.  This time we were smart and decided to take a cab and to a theatre we were familiar with on Mill.  Well waiting for the cab me and this girl are flirting and I wasn't sure how much I should go for it cuz I knew the black dude was trying to get with her.  Moral dilemma, and I definitely made the wrong choice.  When we got to the theatre we found out that Across the Universe wasn't actually playing for another 2 hours.  Like hell we would wait and let the highness dwindle away.

I recall while we were in front of the theatre and the black dude took me aside and asked me if I was trying to get with the girl.  I told him I thought she was attractive, but he brought her so he should go ahead.  That was stupid of me, I know.  But look, I'm Ryan Allen, master of fucking it up.  My tales of succeeding are far less interesting anyway.  And yes, this was failed attempt #2.

For the third attempt we had our bases covered.  But before getting ready for the movie, Mark and I took a trip to FYE.  We would always go there and check out cheap movies and a certain cute girl that worked at the counter.  Everytime we went there she would flirt with both of us, at the same time.  She was definitely one of those girls that looks innocent, but really is freaky as fuck and fists herself with cans of Mountain Dew.  I came up with a plan to try to invite her to the movie with us.  When we got to the counter, I look at Mark and said out loud "So what time are we going to see Across the Universe".  Yes, I realize that is not at all inconspicuous, but it worked.  She was like "oh, I want to see that so bad".  We asked her if she wanted to come with us later and she could bring a friend.  The way it unfolded, man, I was impressed with myself.  Never thought I could be that guy.  But then she was hesitant and was like "oh, I don't know if I can, blah blah blah work blah blah blah car".  We figured she was not interested in getting double teamed by us so that was that.  Failure.

But of course that night we ended up seeing the movie and was much less of a trip than we were hoping for.  Not to say it was bad or anything, but just not worth all the money spent on taking cabs and buying weed, and passing on cute somewhat goth chicks.  But misadventures like that make for good stories and bits and pieces that resemble memories.  It's like those dreams you can't really recount even though you just fuckin woke up from it.  I'm sure that stuff happened, but would not have been the same with a sober mind.  Then again if we weren't walking around with heads full of smoke we would have seen the damn movie the first time.

Tiebreaker

So Douchebag of the Month had a split vote between Ben Roethlisberger and guy in white truck.  Seemed like most people who voted for guy in white truck were voting that way because everyone has had encounters with a douchebag driving a lifted white truck.  Its almost like they deserve a lifetime achievement award.  But it's an award primarily based on the actions or attention received for douchery within the month's span.  Therefore, for being a fat, sexually assaulting, drunken asshole pisstaker...I'm giving the award to Roethlisberger.  You got a problem with it get more people to vote next time.  Plus it is possible that Ben drives a white truck...fits the bill, the very fat bill.

Douchebag of the Month vs. Ryan Allen: March

And the beat goes on...

Fuckin Ben Roethlisberger- I'm gonna go ahead and annoint him the early favorite, but democracy will still be in order for this contest.  You may have read my open letter to Ben, but to repeat he is the quarterback of the Pittsburgh Steelers and a fat slob galore.  Accused of sexual assault in back to back years now, he has made an embarassment of himself and of Pittsburgh.  Supposedly he was flirting with a 20 year old college girl in a bar in Atlanta, then followed her into the bathroom hoping for a little hey nanny.  It would seem she said "no", and then things may have gotten a bit "pissy".  No matter if it turns out he was innocent or just being a drunken asshole, he is defining the word douchebag in sports.  Now the Steelers' management, coach, and even NFL commissioner Roger Goodell are "concerned" with Ben's douchery.  Ben, you fuck.

University of Oregon football team- College football teams are bound to have a few drug addicts, criminals, racists, etc, but lately this team has set a new standard.  QB Jeremiah Masoli and WR Garrett Embry were arrested and charged for stealing a video projector, laptop, and a guitar from a frathouse.  Matt Simms was charged for assaulting a guy that he thought had beat up his teammate, turns out he didn't.  Kiki Alonso was arrested for DUI, then kicked off the team.  This led to Jamere Holland goin Malcolm X on everybody on his Facebook "How the fuck you gonna kick Kiki off the team...on some weak shit...niggas always faded...that shit weak buff cuh could have done damage for the Ducks, that shit is weak, weak ass fuck, quote me".  Well they did quote you G, and then this subsequently got him kicked off the team "...I wish I could block whites as friends and only have blacks LOL, cause apparently I'm misunderstood".  No you're not misunderstood you're just a black douchebag.  Acting gangsta in Oregon?  Suck a cock and die Jamere... Oh and Mike Belotti, the athletic director of Oregon, said fuck this and quit his job.  Smart move.

Joslyn James- Alright bare with me.  She was one of Tiger's mistresses, and a pornstar, and has gigantor titties.  That's fine, hell that's terrific.  My issue is that her story was already out, Tiger's life was already ruined, and then to "clear her conscience" released the texts between her and Tiger.  She even went on one of those old yenta shows on CNN and they were like "so why are you doing this?".  Everyone knows you guys had an affair and freaky sex and shit went on, you don't have to release the specifics.  Guys text weird shit when hard as a tuba.  Here are some examples..."After i cum you better start sucking my cock to get it hard", "Slap your face. Treat you like a dirty little whore. Put my cock in your ass and then shove it down your throat", "Hold you down while i choke you and Fuck that ass that i own"... I just don't need to picture Tiger saying this weird shit.  Maybe its not so much a douchy move as a cunt move... Just sayin.  I don't expect anyone to vote for her, but I need to fill space.

Guy that knocked up Winnie Cooper- Any guy that watched The Wonder Years as a kid was into Winnie Cooper, or Danica McKellar as no one knew her as.  Always a mystery why she would have anything to do with that little spaz Kevin Arnold.  Fuck that kid man.  Anyway some douche knocked up her up.  I don't care if this polesmoker cures cancer, he can go fuck himself. 

Guy in white truck- For once a candidate from real life.  Leaving the movies this past weekend there was this son of a bitch driving behind James, Andy, and I, and was just way too fuckin close.  Tailgating and with the headlights blinding us in the side mirrors.  James rightly gave this a guy the ol' number 1, and douche in white truck took it badly.  He flashed his headlights, turned up the high beams and then drove up as close behind us as possible.  Nothing happenend, but seriously all dudes who drive big white trucks are fuckin douche hick assholes.  "From a nigga that says nigga a lot, that nigga says nigga all the time".  Arizona tho, full of white trucks and white pricks driving them.  I think these fucks like big lifted trucks cuz they are trying to make up for something.  Oh I'll take up 3 parking spots cuz my cock is 3 inches.  Fuck, I'm riled up.  12 years of dealing with these scumbags man.  Why didn't Nazi's target guys in white trucks?  Ok I'll stop now.

Ryan Allen- Ugh I'm getting lamer as this year goes on.  I did piss in the Albertson's parking lot twice.  It's a great feeling after a night of drinking and not wanting to wait 2 more minutes before getting home.  I've really become all about public peeing.  It's not that I want everyone in the world to see my cock, it's just a very free feeling.  I mean think about it, how many times have you pissed in a toilet?  A few hundred thousand times?  Sometimes you gotta mark some new territory.  I want my urine to have its own empire.  I mean hey, if astronauts can shoot out cumballs floatin in space, it's not too much to ask to be able to pee in various parking lots when hammered...Huh?    

Adventures in Trainrobbing: A true college cookbook, suck my balls Betty Crocker

ne of the most challenging obstacles that comes with being a broke college student is finding decent things to eat on a daily basis.  I don't think I have ever discovered such highs or lows in a year span food wise.  When you're hungry and desperate you gotta find ways to get through the day.  Sure you can smoke cigarettes to suppress hunger temporarily or snack on some cereal straight from the box, but at times that won't cut it.  Especially when you have weed clouding judgement and impounding in your head that food is a good idea.  You know I don't think weed really makes you hungrier, it just sounds like a good idea and eating more is an even better idea.  But here are some of my finest, and possibly lowest, food finds and stories while living in Tempe...

Before I got to college, I had smoked weed a few times, but shit I never "really" got high til my roommate Mark brought home "The Blue Bullet" aka his new custom bong.  I had never smoked out of a bong, but hey I went to Tempe to experience shit so I'm not gonna say no especially when MG starts adding ice to the base of the bong.  Needless to say we got high as fuck that night and when the food subject came up we had to create something... It always worked out that he would have food items like pretzels and popcorn and I would have accomplices like cheese, ranch, ketchup, bbq sauce, etc.  I announce "let's put those pretzels on a plate, put cheese and ranch on em and put in the microwave".  Without thinking twice we threw that shit together, nuked it, and then picked it apart like vultures.  The combination of melted cheese and ranch is always a shoe in when creating new crack for weedheads.  Also worked on popcorn, tuna, and beef jerky.

When I have money I'm always happy to hook up my friends with food or alcohol when we're hangin out.  But back then I didn't have money so I had to take advantage of people.  My roommate had a shit load of Sun Dollars, the college money at ASU, and we took advantage of that shit to no end.  He would end up getting yelled at by his parents for spending so much of it, but fuck, the mixture of hungry and high doesn't allow you to make the smartest decisions.  We used to order Domino's like crazy.  We would always order at least 2 pizzas and 2 sides and spend like $30 worth of Sun Dollars.  The funniest part is they wouldn't accept Sun Dollars as tips.  We never had cash except quarters for the washer and dryer.  So we always had the same routine for collecting the pizza.  We would both walk down to meet the driver, Mark would sign the receipt and I would take the pizza, then simultaneously he would hand the receipt to the delivery guy and I would hand them $1.50 in quarters and then we would immediately turn away to avoid a confrontation about our shitty tip.  A lot of time the driver would say "thanks a lot" or some offhand remark.  One time before the ASU football game there was like 6 people hanging out in our room so we ordered $105 worth of Domino's.  I do believed we only tipped like a dollar... I'd be so pissed to be a delivery person in Tempe.

My roommate was like half Italian, and from Chicago, so the fucker made a mean pasta.  Plus we used to watch Top Chef and get inspired to cook up a masterpiece (and cuz we would have drank the host's bathwater).  We would have some materials to put something together, but we always ended up having to steal a lot of shit from people too.  And by people, I mean all the foreigners that lived at the dorm.  We had this community kitchen/living room and the foreign kids would always hang out down there and cook and watch soccer.  They always left shit in the fridge and marked their names on it, but we were fuckin trainrobbers, so we would always steal their shit and say that the foreigners stole our stuff.  It's not our fault they bought things like bacon, fresh vegetables, spices, chicken, you know things that help contribute to some epic pastas.  The RA trusted us because she saw us cooking on different occasions and just figured we had bought that stuff.  Americans know better, they get their own mini-fridges and keep their good shit on lock.

One time while high, I was given the phone to order Chinese food, with the instructions to order at least $15 worth of food so that we could get a free side of chicken tenders.  I just don't do well in those situations when I'm supposed to get my shit together to order a couple things on the phone.  Like I said, more food sounds like a better idea.  I ended up ordering like $40 worth of shit and I had to pay the difference for fucking up that bad.  I think we ended up eating everything, but the problem was we already ate before we ordered Chinese food.  I could have saved myself $20 bucks if I could have just remembered that.  The food wasn't even good.  God damn it.

On a couple different occasions we would steal our suitemate's Nutrisystem food, cuz that fuckin dude had boxes of shit he didn't eat.  One time we left a couple of the empty containers showing in our trash bag and I guess the dude noticed so him and his friend threatened to kick my roommate's ass if he didn't pay for it.  Again my suitemate was an irrational cokehead.  So Mark just made up a story that his friend was over and some of that stuff.  I guess he bought it, but he would bring up shit everytime he got coked up and he would try to fight us.  Then, he would calm down and apologize for like half an hour.  As Rick James says "Cocaine, is a helluva drug".  I've never done the white powder myself, but that shit must be intense.

Once in awhile, Mark and I would actually have money and get good shit, but it was rare.  Most of the time we relied on the dollar menu at Wendy's and Whataburger.  There was also a Korean BBQ next to us, where there was always a bunch of stray cats hanging around...a lot of which would disappear.  We ate their a few times.  It was okay, but they give weird sides like slices of cold hot dog, nasty as fuck.  The point is its kinda like prison, you gotta do what you gotta do to get by.  I lied, stole, and cooked up weird shit cuz at the end of the day a man's gotta eat.

Adventures in Trainrobbing: DB07

My roommate at ASU hooked me up with a lot of food and a lot of weed in our time living together.  The least I could do was let him spend Thanksgiving with my family.  So we ventured to Peoria and my roommate brought only a bag of weed and a cd.  I don't even remember if he brought a change of clothes for the 3 day stay, but no matter.  Thanksgiving was a busy day, well night anyway.  First, during the day we drove off to a nearby place to smoke cigarettes while my parents cooked the food, and we plotted our day.  So we ate dinner with my parents, and they told us that my cousin and her husband wanted us to come by after.  Mark was kinda jonesin to smoke, and I told em "trust me man, bring the weed".  So we went over there and ate for the second time and I told my cousin's husband we have stuff to smoke.  He busted out a pipe, we smoked, drank a few beers, and then headed over to my friend's house. 

Arriving at my friend's house was a trip.  It's not a great feeling to be around a group of sober people when you're high as a panda.  Especially when trippy video games are being played.  My roommate brought it up that it would be funny as hell to go doorbusting for Black Friday.  Plus he wanted to get this scooter at Target or something, I don't man that kid is fuckin crazy.  But I'm like alright its only a couple hours away we can make that happen.  So we left my friend's house and got even more high in my backyard.  Then we drove down by Best Buy and Target to check out the lines.  One line that caught our attention was at Mervyn's.  I guess the first 100 people got like a $10 gift certificate so there was a line wrapping around the building.  We found this completely hilarious so we just stood beside the line and smoked cigarettes and took pictures.  People were looking over at us like we were the biggest assholes in the world.  Like who goes Doorbusting just to watch the lines and doesn't even shop?  It's hilarious thinking about it.

After a little bit we decide to go over to the mall, which was surprisingly full of people.  See we figured it was normal that we were out and about at 4 in the morning cuz we were fucked up.  But there was all these little kids and old people, shit I guess all kinds of people do meth.  I guess they had Santa come in at like 5 or 6, but still seemed crazy.  I suppose it's a bit hard to explain now why that whole experience was so hilarious to us, but you know who goes shopping high at 3 am?  That shit doesn't happen often in life.  But it was Doorbusters 07' aka DB07.  It was one of those times that you treasure as a random experience that won't happen again.