Before I got to college, I had smoked weed a few times, but shit I never "really" got high til my roommate Mark brought home "The Blue Bullet" aka his new custom bong. I had never smoked out of a bong, but hey I went to Tempe to experience shit so I'm not gonna say no especially when MG starts adding ice to the base of the bong. Needless to say we got high as fuck that night and when the food subject came up we had to create something... It always worked out that he would have food items like pretzels and popcorn and I would have accomplices like cheese, ranch, ketchup, bbq sauce, etc. I announce "let's put those pretzels on a plate, put cheese and ranch on em and put in the microwave". Without thinking twice we threw that shit together, nuked it, and then picked it apart like vultures. The combination of melted cheese and ranch is always a shoe in when creating new crack for weedheads. Also worked on popcorn, tuna, and beef jerky.
When I have money I'm always happy to hook up my friends with food or alcohol when we're hangin out. But back then I didn't have money so I had to take advantage of people. My roommate had a shit load of Sun Dollars, the college money at ASU, and we took advantage of that shit to no end. He would end up getting yelled at by his parents for spending so much of it, but fuck, the mixture of hungry and high doesn't allow you to make the smartest decisions. We used to order Domino's like crazy. We would always order at least 2 pizzas and 2 sides and spend like $30 worth of Sun Dollars. The funniest part is they wouldn't accept Sun Dollars as tips. We never had cash except quarters for the washer and dryer. So we always had the same routine for collecting the pizza. We would both walk down to meet the driver, Mark would sign the receipt and I would take the pizza, then simultaneously he would hand the receipt to the delivery guy and I would hand them $1.50 in quarters and then we would immediately turn away to avoid a confrontation about our shitty tip. A lot of time the driver would say "thanks a lot" or some offhand remark. One time before the ASU football game there was like 6 people hanging out in our room so we ordered $105 worth of Domino's. I do believed we only tipped like a dollar... I'd be so pissed to be a delivery person in Tempe.
My roommate was like half Italian, and from Chicago, so the fucker made a mean pasta. Plus we used to watch Top Chef and get inspired to cook up a masterpiece (and cuz we would have drank the host's bathwater). We would have some materials to put something together, but we always ended up having to steal a lot of shit from people too. And by people, I mean all the foreigners that lived at the dorm. We had this community kitchen/living room and the foreign kids would always hang out down there and cook and watch soccer. They always left shit in the fridge and marked their names on it, but we were fuckin trainrobbers, so we would always steal their shit and say that the foreigners stole our stuff. It's not our fault they bought things like bacon, fresh vegetables, spices, chicken, you know things that help contribute to some epic pastas. The RA trusted us because she saw us cooking on different occasions and just figured we had bought that stuff. Americans know better, they get their own mini-fridges and keep their good shit on lock.
One time while high, I was given the phone to order Chinese food, with the instructions to order at least $15 worth of food so that we could get a free side of chicken tenders. I just don't do well in those situations when I'm supposed to get my shit together to order a couple things on the phone. Like I said, more food sounds like a better idea. I ended up ordering like $40 worth of shit and I had to pay the difference for fucking up that bad. I think we ended up eating everything, but the problem was we already ate before we ordered Chinese food. I could have saved myself $20 bucks if I could have just remembered that. The food wasn't even good. God damn it.
On a couple different occasions we would steal our suitemate's Nutrisystem food, cuz that fuckin dude had boxes of shit he didn't eat. One time we left a couple of the empty containers showing in our trash bag and I guess the dude noticed so him and his friend threatened to kick my roommate's ass if he didn't pay for it. Again my suitemate was an irrational cokehead. So Mark just made up a story that his friend was over and some of that stuff. I guess he bought it, but he would bring up shit everytime he got coked up and he would try to fight us. Then, he would calm down and apologize for like half an hour. As Rick James says "Cocaine, is a helluva drug". I've never done the white powder myself, but that shit must be intense.
Once in awhile, Mark and I would actually have money and get good shit, but it was rare. Most of the time we relied on the dollar menu at Wendy's and Whataburger. There was also a Korean BBQ next to us, where there was always a bunch of stray cats hanging around...a lot of which would disappear. We ate their a few times. It was okay, but they give weird sides like slices of cold hot dog, nasty as fuck. The point is its kinda like prison, you gotta do what you gotta do to get by. I lied, stole, and cooked up weird shit cuz at the end of the day a man's gotta eat.
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