Douchebag of the Month vs. Ryan Allen: February

Skip the foreplay, get to the action.

Punxsutawney Phil...the groundhog- You may ask how such a defenseless little critter could possibly be a douchebag... Well it's simple, the fucker saw his shadow.  For those of you who never realized how that system worked, if that fat hunk of back hair sees his shadow then there is 6 more weeks of winter, aka glass is half empty.  Almost immediately the East coast got bombarded with snowstorms that made life damned difficult for folks.  Cities like Washington D.C. had more snow than a Japanese gangbang.  That little bastard is clearly to blame for being so fucking negative.  I mean it hibernates for the whole winter, then wakes up only to declare it wants to get some more sleep.  Bill Murray had the right idea when he kidnapped that gopher and drove off the cliff.  One day someone will put an end to Phil's evil ways. 

Ray J- I know that exciting show he has is taped months ago, but I only caught a glimpse of it this month.  But seriously this kid is a douche.  I don't even understand how he has money.  He became famous as Brandy's brother, and has an unsuccessful music career.  For some reason he acts like he has some relevance to the world.  Good job dude you made a sex tape with Kim Kardashian.  I have taken shits that have carried better tunes than you.  I still don't get how such untalented people get famous from predictable dating shows, which they just fill with girls that do internet porn.  America needs rehab for b-list celebrity reality shows.  I'd rather have my kids get addicted aerosol cans.

John Mayer- So I guess he had an interview with Playboy magazine and talked about all the celebrities he has banged.  I don't think he is a douche for talking about it, cuz what guy wouldn't?  My problem is the list.  Jennifer Love Hewitt, before she started hittin' the wall, Jessica Simpson, Minka Kelly...  Then I guess he talked about having a "nigger card" or something.  That's kinda funny I guess.  Still his music sucks and didn't deserve to nail Jennifer Love Hewitt in her prime. 

Yale squash player- This video has been on like every sports show lately.  This dude goes crazy on the guy he is playing in the squash championships between Yale and Trinity.  The Yale guy is like a foot taller than the player he beats.  I don't know much about squash (it's like racquetball I think), but I do know you shouldn't act like this at an ivy league school.  Maybe it's sudden death, losers are exiled and hung.
  

Dick Ebersol- Cuz I need to blame someone for NBC's awful coverage of the Winter Olympics.  Dick, appropriately named, is one of the head honchos over there at Nothin But Cock (funny?).  One big is problem that they have delayed showing many major events until later times, so the results are already released before the Olympic events are shown.  That takes all the drama and excitement out of watching these games when you already knows who wins.  It's hard to miss when ESPN or news channels are already talking about the results 6 hours before NBC decides to show them.  Another big problem for me is that NBC has been showing events like skiing and ice dancing instead of hockey.  You have to sift through channels like CNBC and MSNBC to find these games.  I mean the US hockey team just beat Canada for the first time in like 50 years, a major American sporting accomplishment, and it's on fucking CNBC.  Meanwhile, on NBC where they want to showcase the best events they are showing men's figure skating.  What says sports like colored sequence feathers and guys wearing eye liner?  Fuck you NBC and specifically fuck Dick Ebersol.  You have made the Olympics more about fashion than REAL sports.   

Ryan Allen- More and more I feel as though I have become a b-rate version of myself.  I've been catching myself giving sarcastic answers to obvious questions.  That is such a douchey thing to do.  It's like I always have to be clever and just end up sounding like a dick.  Besides that it was good month for badgering waitresses.  I managed to make things awkward on more than one occasion.  At least I figured out finally waitresses are just flirting for tips for the most part.  Doesn't excuse my doucheness toward their kind, but I don't feel too bad about it anymore either.  In general, I think I'm just trying to find the right median of kinda being an asshole while still projecting myself as a good dude overall.  For now, still not that much of a douche.  

 

Anyway, I'll leave this month up to voting so the 5 of you willing to vote can decide who is douchebag of the month for February.

It's Those Legs, Man

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Greatest Call In Sports History

The 2008-09 sports year was one of the best ever for Pittsburgh sports teams as the Steelers won the Super Bowl and the Penguins won the Stanley Cup.  It's hard to find enthusiastic hockey fans outside the east coast in America, which sucks because it's way better than baseball and basketball.  Anyway, game 7 of the Stanley Cup, when the Pens beat the vaunted shitfuck Detroit Red Wings, was just the greatest feeling ever.  The Red Wings and their fans are a bunch of cockmeat sandwiches and anyone who knows hockey agrees.  So here is satellite radio host and hockey fan Scott Ferrall goin fucking crazy while watching the end of game 7.

A Politically Correct Olympic Preview

The 2010 Winter Olympics start this weekend in Vancouver.  Most people are more familiar and interested by the Summer Olympics and look down on the Winter sports.  It's understandable because yes, it is easier to make stars out of egotistical  basketball players, track and field crackheads, jail bait gymnasts, and swimmers showing full dong in their speedos.  I mean that's what American athletes are good for, right?  But don't hate on the Winter Games because there are plenty of things to look forward to.  Here are 10 reasons you should pay attention to the 2010 Winter Olympics.

1. Lindsey Vonn

Americans always want a star athlete during the Olympics that competes in multiple events and can dominate those amazon beasts from other countries.  Lindsey Vonn is considered a favorite in 3 skiing events,  tho will be competing in 5, and is actually pretty cute.  Unfortunately, she does have some injury so there is a chance she might not compete, but they will still talk about her and show her pictures, which is all the more important.  But if she competes she has a chance to be like the Michael Phelps of the Winter Olympics... No word on if she hits the bong too.

2. Olympic Hockey
The NHL is the most disperse professional sports league in America, with most players hailing from countries outside the U.S.  Over the past few years hockey has really been making a strong comeback into the public eye with young stars like Sidney Crosby (Canada), Evgeni Malkin (Russia), and Alexander Ovechkin (douchebag).  Even in the U.S. we got Patrick Kane, so we might have some chance.   In the Olympics, there is almost no fighting and there is a faster pace of play on offense.  The games are exciting and competitive, which will hopefully lead to the most entertaining hockey you have watched since the Mighty Ducks beat Iceland in Mighty Ducks 2.  Knuckle puck bitch.

3. Women's Figure Skating

There is always a hot figure skater.  Much to my chagrin, Sasha Cohen didn't qualify this year.  But I'm sure there will a cute chick this year.  Side note, men's figure skating is gay.  Don't watch that.

4. Curling

Cuz there has to be a sport that is good for drinking.  I hear Canada is good at this event.  If you've never heard of curling its like darts on ice using a giant hockey puck and brooms.  May sound stupid, but you have obviously never gotten drunk and thrown beer bottles out of the car window at street signs...  I'm just sayin'.

5. "Sanka, you dead mon".  "Yeah mon"

I don't believe I have ever met a person who doesn't love Cool Runnings (I tune out negative opinions).  The idea of Jamaicans in Winter sports is still pretty crazy.  I hope they all have lucky eggs.  Well this year does include a Jamaican skier, Errol Kerr (I googled that shit).  I will be drinking a Red Stripe and wearing my dreads in support of my Rasta brother.  

6. Uphill Skiing
Look, these dudes spent all this time training to ski up a fucking mountain, the least you can do is watch for a minute or two.  I'm sure it's boring, but that shit can't be easy.  How do you even decide to become an uphill skier?  "Damn it, I get down the hill way too quick, there has to be a solution... I got it, I'll ski uphill.  It will be like making love to my wife's anus before her vagina"... God, I need a girlfriend. 

7. Shawn White
The Flying Tomato.  Probably, heard of the dude.  Red hair, snowboard, acne, skateboard.  Probably gets any chick he wants eventhough he looks like Raggity Ann.  But the kid is a beast in his events. 

8. Checking German "female" speed skaters for bear claw

I've seen a German porn or two in my day and some of those chicks are packing heat.  Enter the tightest outfits in sports and you will see camel toe, moose knuckle, and a guaranteed example of bear claw.

9. Fuck Finland

There has to be one country you just want to lose everything.  For me it's that asshole, Finland.  Fuck em.

10. Well...

I mean it's cold... It's uhh... more sports about technique rather than just athleticism... There are mostly athletes that do well in cold weather...  No basketball, no track...  Just lots of snow...  

The Cucumbers and Bleach Files

Margo Harshman: AKA Tawny

You're welcome Josh.

Tips from a punk rock show

Went to see Rufio in concert tonight and I made some observations at the show, which I believe can help future concert goers to stay out of harm's way and enjoy yourself.

1. If you feel like you will be able to buy tickets at the show, do it.

I always like how the initial ticket prices online are always cheaper until they slap you with service fees and shit, then it ends up costing more than tickets at the door.  Its some bullshit man.  Plus you have to wait in the same line as people, who bought their tickets online anyway.  Only buy online if you think the show will sell out.

2. Hip hop covers are not cool anymore. 
There have only been a few covers of hip hop/rap songs by rock bands that have been good.  Example Say Anything covering ODB's "I Got Your Money" and Incubus doing the remix for Big Pun's "Still Not a Player".  But unknown or untalented bands shouldn't do it unless they really make it good.  The second band of the night, Harley Knox, started their set with two songs that were pretty good.  I was diggin em.  And then they play a cover of Soulja Boy's "Kiss Me Through the Phone".  First of all, fuck Soulja Boy.  Second of all, that song blows bozak.  The cover was lame and the band lost my attention.

3. Bartenders at concert venues are fucking tools. 

Seriously, all they do is flirt with chicks there and talk to their boys.  It takes forever to get their attention and they always act like pricks.  I asked the dude "Can I get a Bud Light?" and the dude sarcastically is like "no, man".  I laughed it off, but that shit pissed me off a bit.  That whole sarcasm when people ask you questions stopped being cool in like 1985.  Just do your job and get my beer, then you can go back to hitting on that ugly drunk girl, which we will revisit later.

4. 5 bands are way too many. 

I'm not talking about big shows like Warped Tour, I mean little shows at little venues.  Most likely the first band will be okay at best.  The second and third band should never be worse than the first, which is a risk you take with so many bands.  If there are 3 legit bands at a show, then 4 is all you need.  If there is only 1 legit band like at tonight's concert, 3 bands would be perfect and I wouldn't have to stand through 3 hours of complete shit.  Plus, the bands need their time to set up and all that stuff.

5. Hold your liquor. 

Two people puked at tonight's show.  First, that drunk girl flirting with the bartender got rushed outside by a security guard after she started heaving up meatloaf.  Then, this one dude described as a "one man mosh pit" ended up puking 2 songs into Rufio's set.  But to his credit, he finished puking and then went right back to moshing.  That's respectable.


6. When stage diving, make sure there are people there. 
The most amazing thing happened.  Dude jumped up on stage, ran to the end of it and jumped into the crowd, by crowd I mean the ground.  The guy manages to jump in the one spot where there are no people standing, and faceplants pretty badly.  He got up right away, but that's gotta be the worst feeling of that guy's life.  It was his moment of glory and he fucked up.  Like the time I dropped a foul ball at a Pirates game.  Now the rest of my life I will be known as a failure... Fuck it, failing is my calling in life.

     

70's in Phoenix, foot of snow in Pittsburgh

So here is a cool song to warm that icy weather... Wait, I mean a warm song to melt that cold weather...

The Most Ballin Shit Eva!

Those of you who read my Waitresses blog know my theory that those chicks flirt as a part of forced interaction with drunk dudes and try to get good tips.  They sometimes single out guys they are kinda into, but still I didn't believe would give the time of day if they were put in a spot.  Well tonight that theory was put to test...

My good friend James and I went to our weekly voyage to the Tilted Kilt, home of waitresses in school girl outfits, and the theory again came into question.  James, a man in search of equaling out a situation, said that we should ask the waitress about my theory for first hand perspective.  When our very attractive waitress Sarah came to see how we were doing we asked her if she would answer a hypothetical question.  Paraphasing here we asked "How would you react if a guy who was flirting with you all night asked you out or left his number".  She was gracious enough to answer and said she would feel uncomfortable if put on the spot, but did hangout with a few guys once when they asked her to chill with her and they left her their number.  So they didn't ask to go out with her on spot, just hangout.  She admitted she likes to flirt, but thought it was kind of cheesy if I guy just left a number after flirting.

The rest of the night she seemed more interested in our table, almost like she was expecting to follow up on the talks.  I was pretty satisfied since I got the answer I was expecting, which went along with my theory. Plus I like going there and didn't want to make it anymore uncomfortable.  Luckily, James had more balls than me tonight and wasn't done with this experiment.  He plotted different ways to ask her out.  Like I said, he was a man on a mission.  James, ended up leaving the note... "Didn't mean to put you on the spot, here's my number if you want to hangout sometime".  Despite my hesitations, I can't help but to respect this move to the fullest.  We will wait now to see if this chick calls, but until then I respect this friend of mine like no other.  That was truly the most ballin shit eva! 

Despite the result if this chick calls him or not, I now know I must commit to the same mission.  New technique now to pull it off too.  James, I owe you a drink regardless.

Ol' Dirty Chinese Restaurant

Like DA told me today, they don't make rappers the same way they used to.

-Jay Z owns basketball teams
-50 Cent owns part of Vitamin Water
-Puff Daddy designs clothes
-Ludacris is a movie star

ODB just got drunk as Hell.  Took a limo to welfare and collected food stamps.  True rapper.

Tom Selleck had a career for one reason: Pornstache

There is nothing more impressive than a sweet 70's style porn moustache to let the ladies know the Stache Train has arrived on time and they got a ticket to ride.  Many people over the years have tried to make claim to the manliest lip warmer, but there are some select stand outs.  Take a look at the pics of these past and present athletes and make your choice of best pornstache on the newest poll...

Adam Morrison- Basketball player, diabetic, lip tickler.  Moustache kinda resembles that of a French woman.   

Harold Snepsts- 70's hockey player, wow that thing might have been alive once.

George Parros- Also of hockey fame and moustache glory.

Jake Plummer- football player, nicknamed Jake "The Snake" for obvious reasons.

A Whole Lotta Sexy

I've noticed an increasing number of ugly, fat, and ugly fat guys hooking up with hot girls.  In the celeb realm there are such couples as Zooey Deschanel and that ugly dude from Death Cab For Cutie, Katy Perry and that meth head looking British guy from Forgetting Sarah Marshall, and all those chicks Marilyn Manson pulls in.  Celebrities are all fucked in the head anyway so no big deal.  But now its starting to become a trend in real life too.

I went to a concert tonight and this really hot girl with glasses walks up and stands right in front of me.  She was alone which made me suspicious cuz no girl usually goes to concerts alone.  So she was into the concert, rockin out to Saves The Day and then she looks back toward me.  She's cute so I smile at her, and she flashes a smile back.  So cool, she's feeling me right? Nope. Here comes tons of fun, 270 lb guido lookin fucker wearing one of those trendy New York hat things, and slightly resembles football coach and fellow bra shopper Charlie Weis.  Dude is fuckin butt ugly, craters in the face, 2-3 chins, and this chick is thrilled to see this fat bastard.  He kisses her on the cheek and they are taking pictures together and I'm just...well disgustipated.  That girl is overdue for a new prescription.

There are lot of good looking douchebags that don't deserve the girls they are with, but fat ugly douchebags?  That's just a slap in the face.  I mean if I had like 3 huge scars on my face, gained 80 lbs, and smelled of taco grease and funions would I be more marginally attractive?  The media plays off that looks and money are the most important things in the world, but clearly the vital things are having a lot of drugs and a huge penis.