Douchebag of the Month vs. Ryan Allen: February

Skip the foreplay, get to the action.

Punxsutawney Phil...the groundhog- You may ask how such a defenseless little critter could possibly be a douchebag... Well it's simple, the fucker saw his shadow.  For those of you who never realized how that system worked, if that fat hunk of back hair sees his shadow then there is 6 more weeks of winter, aka glass is half empty.  Almost immediately the East coast got bombarded with snowstorms that made life damned difficult for folks.  Cities like Washington D.C. had more snow than a Japanese gangbang.  That little bastard is clearly to blame for being so fucking negative.  I mean it hibernates for the whole winter, then wakes up only to declare it wants to get some more sleep.  Bill Murray had the right idea when he kidnapped that gopher and drove off the cliff.  One day someone will put an end to Phil's evil ways. 

Ray J- I know that exciting show he has is taped months ago, but I only caught a glimpse of it this month.  But seriously this kid is a douche.  I don't even understand how he has money.  He became famous as Brandy's brother, and has an unsuccessful music career.  For some reason he acts like he has some relevance to the world.  Good job dude you made a sex tape with Kim Kardashian.  I have taken shits that have carried better tunes than you.  I still don't get how such untalented people get famous from predictable dating shows, which they just fill with girls that do internet porn.  America needs rehab for b-list celebrity reality shows.  I'd rather have my kids get addicted aerosol cans.

John Mayer- So I guess he had an interview with Playboy magazine and talked about all the celebrities he has banged.  I don't think he is a douche for talking about it, cuz what guy wouldn't?  My problem is the list.  Jennifer Love Hewitt, before she started hittin' the wall, Jessica Simpson, Minka Kelly...  Then I guess he talked about having a "nigger card" or something.  That's kinda funny I guess.  Still his music sucks and didn't deserve to nail Jennifer Love Hewitt in her prime. 

Yale squash player- This video has been on like every sports show lately.  This dude goes crazy on the guy he is playing in the squash championships between Yale and Trinity.  The Yale guy is like a foot taller than the player he beats.  I don't know much about squash (it's like racquetball I think), but I do know you shouldn't act like this at an ivy league school.  Maybe it's sudden death, losers are exiled and hung.
  

Dick Ebersol- Cuz I need to blame someone for NBC's awful coverage of the Winter Olympics.  Dick, appropriately named, is one of the head honchos over there at Nothin But Cock (funny?).  One big is problem that they have delayed showing many major events until later times, so the results are already released before the Olympic events are shown.  That takes all the drama and excitement out of watching these games when you already knows who wins.  It's hard to miss when ESPN or news channels are already talking about the results 6 hours before NBC decides to show them.  Another big problem for me is that NBC has been showing events like skiing and ice dancing instead of hockey.  You have to sift through channels like CNBC and MSNBC to find these games.  I mean the US hockey team just beat Canada for the first time in like 50 years, a major American sporting accomplishment, and it's on fucking CNBC.  Meanwhile, on NBC where they want to showcase the best events they are showing men's figure skating.  What says sports like colored sequence feathers and guys wearing eye liner?  Fuck you NBC and specifically fuck Dick Ebersol.  You have made the Olympics more about fashion than REAL sports.   

Ryan Allen- More and more I feel as though I have become a b-rate version of myself.  I've been catching myself giving sarcastic answers to obvious questions.  That is such a douchey thing to do.  It's like I always have to be clever and just end up sounding like a dick.  Besides that it was good month for badgering waitresses.  I managed to make things awkward on more than one occasion.  At least I figured out finally waitresses are just flirting for tips for the most part.  Doesn't excuse my doucheness toward their kind, but I don't feel too bad about it anymore either.  In general, I think I'm just trying to find the right median of kinda being an asshole while still projecting myself as a good dude overall.  For now, still not that much of a douche.  

 

Anyway, I'll leave this month up to voting so the 5 of you willing to vote can decide who is douchebag of the month for February.