I Can't Believe I Used To Beat It To...

Because the most accessible beating material during puberty was music videos, I bring you the new segment I Can't Believe I Used To Beat It To...



Notes:
-Obvious girl group dynamic: three hot dancers pretending to sing, one chubby singer pretending to dance.
-Notice how the singer is the only one hiding her stomach.
-In multiple dance scenes, the singer is hiding behind the other dancers.
-I'm not picking on the singer, she is hot in her own right, but does have noticeable bear claw.
-Short-haired blonde must represent the "bad girl", or head butts oysters.

In conclusion...well chicks were hot, song was catchy, stole that sideways shit from Jamiroqui.

Without a Weight

I've been living in Arizona for over 12 years now, and not once had I ever had any intention of going to Buckeye, AZ.  The middle of fuckin nowhere..  But I have friend at work that lives there so I was being a good friend and hanging out there for a bit.  It made for an adventurous night...

So driving to my friend's house, I become overwhelmed by the lack of business establisments for miles, seemingly.  I was so relieved when I saw a small plaza of businesses that I stopped there for a couple minutes to collect myself.  Damn cowboy hats in every car I see driving...except a Mexican in scrubs driving a Geo.  Fucking Buckeye, man.  So I'm looking for the road Windmill Village Dr.  Dirt roads and horse stables to the left of me, septic tanks and power lines to the right.  How will I spot this Windmill Village Dr. with the sun glarin in my eyes, miniscule street signs, and a cloud of dust all around?  Well its so hick they actually have a giant windmill on the street. 

So when I pick up my friend, it all of a sudden becomes a damn mission to find a place to eat.  The one plaza in the whole damn town only seemed to have fast food; Wendy's, McDonald's, El Pollo Loco.  Finally, there was one sit-down type restaurant...Fuckin Cracker Barrel.  Might as well call the plaza Honkeys R Us.  The only restaurant that would fit better is Old Country Harvest Buffet.  But go in and I'm already thrown off by how the front part is an actual store.  But its like one of those thrift stores where you buy used Christmas sweaters and Andy Gibb records. 

Anyway the hostess is pretty hot, and she started talking to us, when all of sudden she starts stumbling her words and says "sorry I got thrown off looking at your shirt".  I'm wearing my Wonder Years shirt, which always seems to get attention.  Minutes later we end up with a hot waitress.  She is acting all professional, until she comes back with my raspberry iced tea.  She points out that she had gotten some red on her shirt when making my drink.  I purposely slammed about 3 raspberry iced teas just so I could flirt with her everytime she got me a drink.  I devised a plan to leave my business card with my cell number on the back when I payed for the tip.  But it turns out at Country Harvest Barrel Buffet you pay at the cashier, and the waitress vanished. 

After paying, my friend and I hung out by my car for a bit, then as we were about to leave we saw the waitress heading out to her car.  I was like "fuck, if I leave this car and talk to her, she will think we are trying to date rape her".  So anti-climatically she drove off.  However, I know she works there and has an Indiana license plate, perhaps I can send her letters written in my blood yet....Future plans of stalking aside, things only get worse.  Driving my friend back home was tough cuz he didn't know the area well and we ended up driving around in circles in the wrong neighborhood.  But I eventually get my shit together and manage to navigate through that clusterfuck of a maze.

I end up getting semi-lost again leaving the neighborhood passing by 13 year old kids looking at me like I was a cop.  When I start going in the right direction all of a sudden I get to where I think I'm supposed to turn right...well I end up driving for 10 minutes in that direction, unable to find the I-10.  It's bad too, the further I drive, the more pitchback the roads are and the more it smells like shit.  How come people only get lost in scary places?  Like I've never gotten lost in the hidden boob palace or at a BBQ pretzel factory.  No, I get lost in a town where everyone has a shotgun, shoots trespassers, and somehow don't mind the smell of animal shit in the morning.  At first it just smelled like cows, but then I reached the depths of septic plants and pulled a dirt road u-turn.

I finally manage to escape the farms and head back to civilization... I don't know maybe that's not the most interesting story.  Maybe it is.. All's I'm sayin is would it kill you to put up some damn street lights, Buckeye.  It ain't fuckin 1963.   I'm not John F. Kennedy, you aren't Lee Harvey Oswalt, and this isn't Dallas... Too soon?

Adventures in Trainrobbing: All this for a movie I don't remember

About 90% of my time spent in Tempe was just going along with the ride.  For the most part, I was hanging out with people that I had only recently met and I became open to new experiences.  My roommate was a musician so he really broadened my knowledge of music and art.  I remember the first day he got to the dorm he put some of his clothes and the room and I thought he was gonna be the weirdest fuckin kid on the planet.  He had a couple Beatles shirts and some strange trippy poster.  My suitemates and I thought he was just gonna be some nerdy dude that wouldn't like to drink or party or anything.  Then one day Mark and I went on a walk and talked about our lives and damn I had this guy read the wrong way.  He told me of how he had tried almost every drug out there and other crazy happenings.  I went from feeling high mighty from drinking stories and trying weed a few times, to looking like a Mormon next to him. 

It was the best class I ever had in college just smokin weed in the dorm room with Mark.  He taught me about bands like The Beatles and Pink Floyd and all the drugs those guys used to do.  He introduced me to some crazy mindfuck movies and overall just a new appreciation to the good drug-induced states have done for art and culture.  A big movie that came out in celebration of such things was The Beatles-inspired Across the Universe.  For people that smoke a lot of weed, Across the Universe was a major event that required getting burnt beyond belief to experience a full scale trip of a visual masterpiece.  The problem is getting that high tends to have unforseen consequences...

I'd just like to mention right away that the following transcription of events consists of random and blurred memories scrunched together as I can not even start to give an accurate description of each night.  So myself, Mark, and our black dealer/neighbor combined product before we were set to go travel to the theatre to catch the flick.  It was playing at theatre we hadn't been to before, but according to MapQuest it was in walking distance.  And then we got towed up.  I believe we had multiple hits on the bong and then smoked 2 blunts with a couple other dudes around the dorm.  Note: black dudes are experts at rolling fat blunts.  I always watched that dude roll those in awe.  Anyway, we were high as fuck and on our way.  We walked across campus and it seemed to take about 40 minutes.  Then we checked the time and it had actually taken about 20 minutes.  We weren't sure where the place was and probably got sidetracked a few times.  But we found the theatre and noticed it was awfully empty.  Turns out the theatre was closed and we had fucked up checking for the right theatre.

Funny part walking back we noticed a group of kids walking home from a party.  They seemed like young high schoolers and they were all dressed up in medical gear, including a couple slutty nurses.  These girls are fucked up and probably like 16 at the oldest.  They start talking to us and Mark tells the girls that we are assistants for our black friend 50 Cent.  This dude looks nothing like 50 Cent, but he has like a chain and white sneakers on so why wouldn't the hussies believe us?  I mean Mark once told a girl his name was Samuel L. Jackson and the girl didn't catch on.  Anyway we walked with those girls for like 10 minutes telling them about all the rap parties we go to.  I remember all the street lights were putting me into a daze and they were kinda blurred like how the visuals are in drug movies.  Kinda felt like an out of body experience of some sort.  But still the night was failure #1.

I believe it was the next night where we decided to try again.  This time our black dealer/tag along friend brought this cute kinda goth-like girl to our room.  She had one of those nose rings that goes through the middle of the nose and hangs out both nostrils like a silver booger.  Nonetheless she was very attractive.  And I had this certain look goin that night that I pulled once in awhile for no particular reason.  This girl that lived at the dorm had this tan 50's style hat that I would borrow and I'd wear like a blue dress shirt.  The somewhat goth chick was diggin it.  My roommate bought a bit of coke from some weird bald kid, crushed up it did lines off this one girl's mirror, which I have been told is the only way to snort any white powder.  I didn't try it, but the girl took a hit herself and then we were on the way.  This time we were smart and decided to take a cab and to a theatre we were familiar with on Mill.  Well waiting for the cab me and this girl are flirting and I wasn't sure how much I should go for it cuz I knew the black dude was trying to get with her.  Moral dilemma, and I definitely made the wrong choice.  When we got to the theatre we found out that Across the Universe wasn't actually playing for another 2 hours.  Like hell we would wait and let the highness dwindle away.

I recall while we were in front of the theatre and the black dude took me aside and asked me if I was trying to get with the girl.  I told him I thought she was attractive, but he brought her so he should go ahead.  That was stupid of me, I know.  But look, I'm Ryan Allen, master of fucking it up.  My tales of succeeding are far less interesting anyway.  And yes, this was failed attempt #2.

For the third attempt we had our bases covered.  But before getting ready for the movie, Mark and I took a trip to FYE.  We would always go there and check out cheap movies and a certain cute girl that worked at the counter.  Everytime we went there she would flirt with both of us, at the same time.  She was definitely one of those girls that looks innocent, but really is freaky as fuck and fists herself with cans of Mountain Dew.  I came up with a plan to try to invite her to the movie with us.  When we got to the counter, I look at Mark and said out loud "So what time are we going to see Across the Universe".  Yes, I realize that is not at all inconspicuous, but it worked.  She was like "oh, I want to see that so bad".  We asked her if she wanted to come with us later and she could bring a friend.  The way it unfolded, man, I was impressed with myself.  Never thought I could be that guy.  But then she was hesitant and was like "oh, I don't know if I can, blah blah blah work blah blah blah car".  We figured she was not interested in getting double teamed by us so that was that.  Failure.

But of course that night we ended up seeing the movie and was much less of a trip than we were hoping for.  Not to say it was bad or anything, but just not worth all the money spent on taking cabs and buying weed, and passing on cute somewhat goth chicks.  But misadventures like that make for good stories and bits and pieces that resemble memories.  It's like those dreams you can't really recount even though you just fuckin woke up from it.  I'm sure that stuff happened, but would not have been the same with a sober mind.  Then again if we weren't walking around with heads full of smoke we would have seen the damn movie the first time.

Tiebreaker

So Douchebag of the Month had a split vote between Ben Roethlisberger and guy in white truck.  Seemed like most people who voted for guy in white truck were voting that way because everyone has had encounters with a douchebag driving a lifted white truck.  Its almost like they deserve a lifetime achievement award.  But it's an award primarily based on the actions or attention received for douchery within the month's span.  Therefore, for being a fat, sexually assaulting, drunken asshole pisstaker...I'm giving the award to Roethlisberger.  You got a problem with it get more people to vote next time.  Plus it is possible that Ben drives a white truck...fits the bill, the very fat bill.

Douchebag of the Month vs. Ryan Allen: March

And the beat goes on...

Fuckin Ben Roethlisberger- I'm gonna go ahead and annoint him the early favorite, but democracy will still be in order for this contest.  You may have read my open letter to Ben, but to repeat he is the quarterback of the Pittsburgh Steelers and a fat slob galore.  Accused of sexual assault in back to back years now, he has made an embarassment of himself and of Pittsburgh.  Supposedly he was flirting with a 20 year old college girl in a bar in Atlanta, then followed her into the bathroom hoping for a little hey nanny.  It would seem she said "no", and then things may have gotten a bit "pissy".  No matter if it turns out he was innocent or just being a drunken asshole, he is defining the word douchebag in sports.  Now the Steelers' management, coach, and even NFL commissioner Roger Goodell are "concerned" with Ben's douchery.  Ben, you fuck.

University of Oregon football team- College football teams are bound to have a few drug addicts, criminals, racists, etc, but lately this team has set a new standard.  QB Jeremiah Masoli and WR Garrett Embry were arrested and charged for stealing a video projector, laptop, and a guitar from a frathouse.  Matt Simms was charged for assaulting a guy that he thought had beat up his teammate, turns out he didn't.  Kiki Alonso was arrested for DUI, then kicked off the team.  This led to Jamere Holland goin Malcolm X on everybody on his Facebook "How the fuck you gonna kick Kiki off the team...on some weak shit...niggas always faded...that shit weak buff cuh could have done damage for the Ducks, that shit is weak, weak ass fuck, quote me".  Well they did quote you G, and then this subsequently got him kicked off the team "...I wish I could block whites as friends and only have blacks LOL, cause apparently I'm misunderstood".  No you're not misunderstood you're just a black douchebag.  Acting gangsta in Oregon?  Suck a cock and die Jamere... Oh and Mike Belotti, the athletic director of Oregon, said fuck this and quit his job.  Smart move.

Joslyn James- Alright bare with me.  She was one of Tiger's mistresses, and a pornstar, and has gigantor titties.  That's fine, hell that's terrific.  My issue is that her story was already out, Tiger's life was already ruined, and then to "clear her conscience" released the texts between her and Tiger.  She even went on one of those old yenta shows on CNN and they were like "so why are you doing this?".  Everyone knows you guys had an affair and freaky sex and shit went on, you don't have to release the specifics.  Guys text weird shit when hard as a tuba.  Here are some examples..."After i cum you better start sucking my cock to get it hard", "Slap your face. Treat you like a dirty little whore. Put my cock in your ass and then shove it down your throat", "Hold you down while i choke you and Fuck that ass that i own"... I just don't need to picture Tiger saying this weird shit.  Maybe its not so much a douchy move as a cunt move... Just sayin.  I don't expect anyone to vote for her, but I need to fill space.

Guy that knocked up Winnie Cooper- Any guy that watched The Wonder Years as a kid was into Winnie Cooper, or Danica McKellar as no one knew her as.  Always a mystery why she would have anything to do with that little spaz Kevin Arnold.  Fuck that kid man.  Anyway some douche knocked up her up.  I don't care if this polesmoker cures cancer, he can go fuck himself. 

Guy in white truck- For once a candidate from real life.  Leaving the movies this past weekend there was this son of a bitch driving behind James, Andy, and I, and was just way too fuckin close.  Tailgating and with the headlights blinding us in the side mirrors.  James rightly gave this a guy the ol' number 1, and douche in white truck took it badly.  He flashed his headlights, turned up the high beams and then drove up as close behind us as possible.  Nothing happenend, but seriously all dudes who drive big white trucks are fuckin douche hick assholes.  "From a nigga that says nigga a lot, that nigga says nigga all the time".  Arizona tho, full of white trucks and white pricks driving them.  I think these fucks like big lifted trucks cuz they are trying to make up for something.  Oh I'll take up 3 parking spots cuz my cock is 3 inches.  Fuck, I'm riled up.  12 years of dealing with these scumbags man.  Why didn't Nazi's target guys in white trucks?  Ok I'll stop now.

Ryan Allen- Ugh I'm getting lamer as this year goes on.  I did piss in the Albertson's parking lot twice.  It's a great feeling after a night of drinking and not wanting to wait 2 more minutes before getting home.  I've really become all about public peeing.  It's not that I want everyone in the world to see my cock, it's just a very free feeling.  I mean think about it, how many times have you pissed in a toilet?  A few hundred thousand times?  Sometimes you gotta mark some new territory.  I want my urine to have its own empire.  I mean hey, if astronauts can shoot out cumballs floatin in space, it's not too much to ask to be able to pee in various parking lots when hammered...Huh?    

Adventures in Trainrobbing: A true college cookbook, suck my balls Betty Crocker

ne of the most challenging obstacles that comes with being a broke college student is finding decent things to eat on a daily basis.  I don't think I have ever discovered such highs or lows in a year span food wise.  When you're hungry and desperate you gotta find ways to get through the day.  Sure you can smoke cigarettes to suppress hunger temporarily or snack on some cereal straight from the box, but at times that won't cut it.  Especially when you have weed clouding judgement and impounding in your head that food is a good idea.  You know I don't think weed really makes you hungrier, it just sounds like a good idea and eating more is an even better idea.  But here are some of my finest, and possibly lowest, food finds and stories while living in Tempe...

Before I got to college, I had smoked weed a few times, but shit I never "really" got high til my roommate Mark brought home "The Blue Bullet" aka his new custom bong.  I had never smoked out of a bong, but hey I went to Tempe to experience shit so I'm not gonna say no especially when MG starts adding ice to the base of the bong.  Needless to say we got high as fuck that night and when the food subject came up we had to create something... It always worked out that he would have food items like pretzels and popcorn and I would have accomplices like cheese, ranch, ketchup, bbq sauce, etc.  I announce "let's put those pretzels on a plate, put cheese and ranch on em and put in the microwave".  Without thinking twice we threw that shit together, nuked it, and then picked it apart like vultures.  The combination of melted cheese and ranch is always a shoe in when creating new crack for weedheads.  Also worked on popcorn, tuna, and beef jerky.

When I have money I'm always happy to hook up my friends with food or alcohol when we're hangin out.  But back then I didn't have money so I had to take advantage of people.  My roommate had a shit load of Sun Dollars, the college money at ASU, and we took advantage of that shit to no end.  He would end up getting yelled at by his parents for spending so much of it, but fuck, the mixture of hungry and high doesn't allow you to make the smartest decisions.  We used to order Domino's like crazy.  We would always order at least 2 pizzas and 2 sides and spend like $30 worth of Sun Dollars.  The funniest part is they wouldn't accept Sun Dollars as tips.  We never had cash except quarters for the washer and dryer.  So we always had the same routine for collecting the pizza.  We would both walk down to meet the driver, Mark would sign the receipt and I would take the pizza, then simultaneously he would hand the receipt to the delivery guy and I would hand them $1.50 in quarters and then we would immediately turn away to avoid a confrontation about our shitty tip.  A lot of time the driver would say "thanks a lot" or some offhand remark.  One time before the ASU football game there was like 6 people hanging out in our room so we ordered $105 worth of Domino's.  I do believed we only tipped like a dollar... I'd be so pissed to be a delivery person in Tempe.

My roommate was like half Italian, and from Chicago, so the fucker made a mean pasta.  Plus we used to watch Top Chef and get inspired to cook up a masterpiece (and cuz we would have drank the host's bathwater).  We would have some materials to put something together, but we always ended up having to steal a lot of shit from people too.  And by people, I mean all the foreigners that lived at the dorm.  We had this community kitchen/living room and the foreign kids would always hang out down there and cook and watch soccer.  They always left shit in the fridge and marked their names on it, but we were fuckin trainrobbers, so we would always steal their shit and say that the foreigners stole our stuff.  It's not our fault they bought things like bacon, fresh vegetables, spices, chicken, you know things that help contribute to some epic pastas.  The RA trusted us because she saw us cooking on different occasions and just figured we had bought that stuff.  Americans know better, they get their own mini-fridges and keep their good shit on lock.

One time while high, I was given the phone to order Chinese food, with the instructions to order at least $15 worth of food so that we could get a free side of chicken tenders.  I just don't do well in those situations when I'm supposed to get my shit together to order a couple things on the phone.  Like I said, more food sounds like a better idea.  I ended up ordering like $40 worth of shit and I had to pay the difference for fucking up that bad.  I think we ended up eating everything, but the problem was we already ate before we ordered Chinese food.  I could have saved myself $20 bucks if I could have just remembered that.  The food wasn't even good.  God damn it.

On a couple different occasions we would steal our suitemate's Nutrisystem food, cuz that fuckin dude had boxes of shit he didn't eat.  One time we left a couple of the empty containers showing in our trash bag and I guess the dude noticed so him and his friend threatened to kick my roommate's ass if he didn't pay for it.  Again my suitemate was an irrational cokehead.  So Mark just made up a story that his friend was over and some of that stuff.  I guess he bought it, but he would bring up shit everytime he got coked up and he would try to fight us.  Then, he would calm down and apologize for like half an hour.  As Rick James says "Cocaine, is a helluva drug".  I've never done the white powder myself, but that shit must be intense.

Once in awhile, Mark and I would actually have money and get good shit, but it was rare.  Most of the time we relied on the dollar menu at Wendy's and Whataburger.  There was also a Korean BBQ next to us, where there was always a bunch of stray cats hanging around...a lot of which would disappear.  We ate their a few times.  It was okay, but they give weird sides like slices of cold hot dog, nasty as fuck.  The point is its kinda like prison, you gotta do what you gotta do to get by.  I lied, stole, and cooked up weird shit cuz at the end of the day a man's gotta eat.

Adventures in Trainrobbing: DB07

My roommate at ASU hooked me up with a lot of food and a lot of weed in our time living together.  The least I could do was let him spend Thanksgiving with my family.  So we ventured to Peoria and my roommate brought only a bag of weed and a cd.  I don't even remember if he brought a change of clothes for the 3 day stay, but no matter.  Thanksgiving was a busy day, well night anyway.  First, during the day we drove off to a nearby place to smoke cigarettes while my parents cooked the food, and we plotted our day.  So we ate dinner with my parents, and they told us that my cousin and her husband wanted us to come by after.  Mark was kinda jonesin to smoke, and I told em "trust me man, bring the weed".  So we went over there and ate for the second time and I told my cousin's husband we have stuff to smoke.  He busted out a pipe, we smoked, drank a few beers, and then headed over to my friend's house. 

Arriving at my friend's house was a trip.  It's not a great feeling to be around a group of sober people when you're high as a panda.  Especially when trippy video games are being played.  My roommate brought it up that it would be funny as hell to go doorbusting for Black Friday.  Plus he wanted to get this scooter at Target or something, I don't man that kid is fuckin crazy.  But I'm like alright its only a couple hours away we can make that happen.  So we left my friend's house and got even more high in my backyard.  Then we drove down by Best Buy and Target to check out the lines.  One line that caught our attention was at Mervyn's.  I guess the first 100 people got like a $10 gift certificate so there was a line wrapping around the building.  We found this completely hilarious so we just stood beside the line and smoked cigarettes and took pictures.  People were looking over at us like we were the biggest assholes in the world.  Like who goes Doorbusting just to watch the lines and doesn't even shop?  It's hilarious thinking about it.

After a little bit we decide to go over to the mall, which was surprisingly full of people.  See we figured it was normal that we were out and about at 4 in the morning cuz we were fucked up.  But there was all these little kids and old people, shit I guess all kinds of people do meth.  I guess they had Santa come in at like 5 or 6, but still seemed crazy.  I suppose it's a bit hard to explain now why that whole experience was so hilarious to us, but you know who goes shopping high at 3 am?  That shit doesn't happen often in life.  But it was Doorbusters 07' aka DB07.  It was one of those times that you treasure as a random experience that won't happen again.