The Cucumbers and Bleach Files

Margo Harshman: AKA Tawny

You're welcome Josh.

Tips from a punk rock show

Went to see Rufio in concert tonight and I made some observations at the show, which I believe can help future concert goers to stay out of harm's way and enjoy yourself.

1. If you feel like you will be able to buy tickets at the show, do it.

I always like how the initial ticket prices online are always cheaper until they slap you with service fees and shit, then it ends up costing more than tickets at the door.  Its some bullshit man.  Plus you have to wait in the same line as people, who bought their tickets online anyway.  Only buy online if you think the show will sell out.

2. Hip hop covers are not cool anymore. 
There have only been a few covers of hip hop/rap songs by rock bands that have been good.  Example Say Anything covering ODB's "I Got Your Money" and Incubus doing the remix for Big Pun's "Still Not a Player".  But unknown or untalented bands shouldn't do it unless they really make it good.  The second band of the night, Harley Knox, started their set with two songs that were pretty good.  I was diggin em.  And then they play a cover of Soulja Boy's "Kiss Me Through the Phone".  First of all, fuck Soulja Boy.  Second of all, that song blows bozak.  The cover was lame and the band lost my attention.

3. Bartenders at concert venues are fucking tools. 

Seriously, all they do is flirt with chicks there and talk to their boys.  It takes forever to get their attention and they always act like pricks.  I asked the dude "Can I get a Bud Light?" and the dude sarcastically is like "no, man".  I laughed it off, but that shit pissed me off a bit.  That whole sarcasm when people ask you questions stopped being cool in like 1985.  Just do your job and get my beer, then you can go back to hitting on that ugly drunk girl, which we will revisit later.

4. 5 bands are way too many. 

I'm not talking about big shows like Warped Tour, I mean little shows at little venues.  Most likely the first band will be okay at best.  The second and third band should never be worse than the first, which is a risk you take with so many bands.  If there are 3 legit bands at a show, then 4 is all you need.  If there is only 1 legit band like at tonight's concert, 3 bands would be perfect and I wouldn't have to stand through 3 hours of complete shit.  Plus, the bands need their time to set up and all that stuff.

5. Hold your liquor. 

Two people puked at tonight's show.  First, that drunk girl flirting with the bartender got rushed outside by a security guard after she started heaving up meatloaf.  Then, this one dude described as a "one man mosh pit" ended up puking 2 songs into Rufio's set.  But to his credit, he finished puking and then went right back to moshing.  That's respectable.


6. When stage diving, make sure there are people there. 
The most amazing thing happened.  Dude jumped up on stage, ran to the end of it and jumped into the crowd, by crowd I mean the ground.  The guy manages to jump in the one spot where there are no people standing, and faceplants pretty badly.  He got up right away, but that's gotta be the worst feeling of that guy's life.  It was his moment of glory and he fucked up.  Like the time I dropped a foul ball at a Pirates game.  Now the rest of my life I will be known as a failure... Fuck it, failing is my calling in life.

     

70's in Phoenix, foot of snow in Pittsburgh

So here is a cool song to warm that icy weather... Wait, I mean a warm song to melt that cold weather...

The Most Ballin Shit Eva!

Those of you who read my Waitresses blog know my theory that those chicks flirt as a part of forced interaction with drunk dudes and try to get good tips.  They sometimes single out guys they are kinda into, but still I didn't believe would give the time of day if they were put in a spot.  Well tonight that theory was put to test...

My good friend James and I went to our weekly voyage to the Tilted Kilt, home of waitresses in school girl outfits, and the theory again came into question.  James, a man in search of equaling out a situation, said that we should ask the waitress about my theory for first hand perspective.  When our very attractive waitress Sarah came to see how we were doing we asked her if she would answer a hypothetical question.  Paraphasing here we asked "How would you react if a guy who was flirting with you all night asked you out or left his number".  She was gracious enough to answer and said she would feel uncomfortable if put on the spot, but did hangout with a few guys once when they asked her to chill with her and they left her their number.  So they didn't ask to go out with her on spot, just hangout.  She admitted she likes to flirt, but thought it was kind of cheesy if I guy just left a number after flirting.

The rest of the night she seemed more interested in our table, almost like she was expecting to follow up on the talks.  I was pretty satisfied since I got the answer I was expecting, which went along with my theory. Plus I like going there and didn't want to make it anymore uncomfortable.  Luckily, James had more balls than me tonight and wasn't done with this experiment.  He plotted different ways to ask her out.  Like I said, he was a man on a mission.  James, ended up leaving the note... "Didn't mean to put you on the spot, here's my number if you want to hangout sometime".  Despite my hesitations, I can't help but to respect this move to the fullest.  We will wait now to see if this chick calls, but until then I respect this friend of mine like no other.  That was truly the most ballin shit eva! 

Despite the result if this chick calls him or not, I now know I must commit to the same mission.  New technique now to pull it off too.  James, I owe you a drink regardless.

Ol' Dirty Chinese Restaurant

Like DA told me today, they don't make rappers the same way they used to.

-Jay Z owns basketball teams
-50 Cent owns part of Vitamin Water
-Puff Daddy designs clothes
-Ludacris is a movie star

ODB just got drunk as Hell.  Took a limo to welfare and collected food stamps.  True rapper.

Tom Selleck had a career for one reason: Pornstache

There is nothing more impressive than a sweet 70's style porn moustache to let the ladies know the Stache Train has arrived on time and they got a ticket to ride.  Many people over the years have tried to make claim to the manliest lip warmer, but there are some select stand outs.  Take a look at the pics of these past and present athletes and make your choice of best pornstache on the newest poll...

Adam Morrison- Basketball player, diabetic, lip tickler.  Moustache kinda resembles that of a French woman.   

Harold Snepsts- 70's hockey player, wow that thing might have been alive once.

George Parros- Also of hockey fame and moustache glory.

Jake Plummer- football player, nicknamed Jake "The Snake" for obvious reasons.

A Whole Lotta Sexy

I've noticed an increasing number of ugly, fat, and ugly fat guys hooking up with hot girls.  In the celeb realm there are such couples as Zooey Deschanel and that ugly dude from Death Cab For Cutie, Katy Perry and that meth head looking British guy from Forgetting Sarah Marshall, and all those chicks Marilyn Manson pulls in.  Celebrities are all fucked in the head anyway so no big deal.  But now its starting to become a trend in real life too.

I went to a concert tonight and this really hot girl with glasses walks up and stands right in front of me.  She was alone which made me suspicious cuz no girl usually goes to concerts alone.  So she was into the concert, rockin out to Saves The Day and then she looks back toward me.  She's cute so I smile at her, and she flashes a smile back.  So cool, she's feeling me right? Nope. Here comes tons of fun, 270 lb guido lookin fucker wearing one of those trendy New York hat things, and slightly resembles football coach and fellow bra shopper Charlie Weis.  Dude is fuckin butt ugly, craters in the face, 2-3 chins, and this chick is thrilled to see this fat bastard.  He kisses her on the cheek and they are taking pictures together and I'm just...well disgustipated.  That girl is overdue for a new prescription.

There are lot of good looking douchebags that don't deserve the girls they are with, but fat ugly douchebags?  That's just a slap in the face.  I mean if I had like 3 huge scars on my face, gained 80 lbs, and smelled of taco grease and funions would I be more marginally attractive?  The media plays off that looks and money are the most important things in the world, but clearly the vital things are having a lot of drugs and a huge penis.